There are many things to iron out.
I know now is not the time.
I am not saying or asking for anything.
This just happens to be the thoughts that came to mind when you said that we are so different.
What does it take for two to come together?
Should they be the same?
If we seek to find someone like us,
Would we be the best mate for ourselves?
I never thought that we could only be together,
if we are like each other.
We should be different.
We are two different people after all.
I don't want you to become me,
And I certainly do not wish to become you.
We should have different ambitions.
You want to study and I want to fly.
I actually want to study too,
Though I don't know if you want to fly.
But I would use my flying to support your study.
Therein lies the beauty.
When two people come together, it is not about being or becoming the same.
It is about being true to self and support the other in whatever the other wants.
I know we have different interests.
I also know we have same interests.
We both love riding,
So let's ride together.
I may have never ridden dirt before,
But I think it's gonna be a lot of fun.
I don't know you all that well,
But if there's something you do that I don't.
Would you please, for my sake, show me the world?
Just like how I now like some of Tori Amos' songs.
If I still don't like it, you go on ahead.
I'll be waiting for you at home.
I would do the same.
If there's something I do that you don't.
I'd love to show you my world.
If it's not your cup of tea,
I'll be right back.
We view the world differently,
Because we have seen the world differently.
I want to know what you think,
Because I think my view of the world is quite narrow.
Would you, for my sake, enlighten me?
I wouldn't say your view is wrong.
Maybe we just see things differently.
Our views may converge,
or they may stay different.
I think it's all right.
We can agree to disagree.
Isn't that what you do in school?
Nothing is truly the absolute way.
As long as we back up what we state,
With thorough understanding and evidence.
We are entitled to our views.
Of course, things can't all be different.
How can two person ever get along if everything is different.
No matter big or small,
We have to meet somewhere.
You wouldn't want to live with a slob.
You wouldn't want to be the one doing all the housework,
while I sit down and have a coffee.
You wouldn't want a very successful person that brings home the dough but is never around.
You wouldn't want a person that talks to you and tells you what to do like you can't think for yourself, because you are a very smart woman.
For two people to be together, they at least have to want to be together.
Where it matters, but they are different, they compromise.
Where it doesn't matter that much, one can give in to the other.
I am a fool.
Sometimes I am not that sensitive,
But I do know that I want to be with you,
And it's not because of the baby.
Where I can, I will give in.
Where I can't, I will explain.
Though I think you don't agree,
But I think, for most things in life, I am very easy-going.
I have a few broad ideas, but for the most part, the nitty-gritty isn't that big of a problem.
But if you don't agree, I'll be happy to listen.
I just hope that I can explain myself without sounding defensive.
And we can talk without being agitated.
And no, I mean us, not picking on you.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Stopper
There are many complications.
But there are many solutions.
Some of them are not the best.
But they work.
What's stopping them?
You are.
You are the one making all the decisions now.
I know the circumstances are such.
But there are ways out.
You refuse to take them.
You are sick and I can't do anything.
I can do many things.
I can come over and take care of you.
I can bring you to the doctor.
You don't let me.
I can go against your objections.
And you will hate me more.
You are not stuck.
You don't want to budge.
There is always an excuse.
But if you really want to.
Nobody can stop you.
You are so headstrong in everything.
Including plunging deeper into depression.
Grounding yourself more and more.
Nobody will ever be able to pull you out.
When you don't let him.
It's not that I can't do anything.
You won't let me.
You keep saying things are bad and getting worse.
If staying still is getting worse.
Take the step and go.
But, no.
You refuse to.
But there are many solutions.
Some of them are not the best.
But they work.
What's stopping them?
You are.
You are the one making all the decisions now.
I know the circumstances are such.
But there are ways out.
You refuse to take them.
You are sick and I can't do anything.
I can do many things.
I can come over and take care of you.
I can bring you to the doctor.
You don't let me.
I can go against your objections.
And you will hate me more.
You are not stuck.
You don't want to budge.
There is always an excuse.
But if you really want to.
Nobody can stop you.
You are so headstrong in everything.
Including plunging deeper into depression.
Grounding yourself more and more.
Nobody will ever be able to pull you out.
When you don't let him.
It's not that I can't do anything.
You won't let me.
You keep saying things are bad and getting worse.
If staying still is getting worse.
Take the step and go.
But, no.
You refuse to.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Conflict
I would like to apologise, for repeatingly asking for that little hug and that little kiss.
I sometimes forget, and I yearn for that intimacy. I know you are suffering from a lot of discomfort, hence the apology. It's just one of those little things that I love. You don't have to sleep with me, intimacy can be simple, but even that is not possible.
I realised that this blog is getting more and more schizophrenic. One minute the posts are all accepting and understanding, the next they are angry and frustrated.
It is just how things are. On my good days, I understand what is going on. I see the possibilities and the impossibilities. I accept my mistakes and bear the consequences. I take in what cannot be controlled and wished for and let things go.
On some days, it's just bad. I yearn for you so much, frustration takes hold. Jealousy fills the mind and imagination runs wild. Desires take over and fear takes hold.
The future is so bleak in outlook. Doubts and questions keeps popping up. Stalemate in the situation is simply exasperating.
It seems like I have so much to lose. Yet at the same time, what I have to lose is not mine to begin with.
I sometimes forget, and I yearn for that intimacy. I know you are suffering from a lot of discomfort, hence the apology. It's just one of those little things that I love. You don't have to sleep with me, intimacy can be simple, but even that is not possible.
I realised that this blog is getting more and more schizophrenic. One minute the posts are all accepting and understanding, the next they are angry and frustrated.
It is just how things are. On my good days, I understand what is going on. I see the possibilities and the impossibilities. I accept my mistakes and bear the consequences. I take in what cannot be controlled and wished for and let things go.
On some days, it's just bad. I yearn for you so much, frustration takes hold. Jealousy fills the mind and imagination runs wild. Desires take over and fear takes hold.
The future is so bleak in outlook. Doubts and questions keeps popping up. Stalemate in the situation is simply exasperating.
It seems like I have so much to lose. Yet at the same time, what I have to lose is not mine to begin with.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Today was a good day
Today was a good day.
I still didn't get to see baby
I doubt I ever will
Even though you said 'Yes u will'.
It doesn't change the fact that you wrote 'Mirza Anuar' in the husband column
And I look nothing like a 'Mirza', thankfully.
And you do not to have more talking points.
It didn't help that he sent you to the clinic.
Invading that one last area where his mark had not been left.
And you're probably going show him baby's photos when you get back.
And be all nice and happy, like he's yours, instead of ours.
But...
You showed up.
All pretty and made up.
Because we were going out.
So easily pleased I am.
We were finally going out.
No excuses, no rain checks.
Even if it's because you were already out.
Some words were exchanged.
But no serious arguments.
It seems I might have found something that could work.
When I make comments and remarks that upset you.
Stop talking, cool down.
Something so simple.
You were constantly uncomfortable.
Sorry I couldn't do much about that.
But other than that, I felt we had a good day.
It might be boring for you.
We only shopped and had lunch.
But it was still a good day for me.
I still didn't get to see baby
I doubt I ever will
Even though you said 'Yes u will'.
It doesn't change the fact that you wrote 'Mirza Anuar' in the husband column
And I look nothing like a 'Mirza', thankfully.
And you do not to have more talking points.
It didn't help that he sent you to the clinic.
Invading that one last area where his mark had not been left.
And you're probably going show him baby's photos when you get back.
And be all nice and happy, like he's yours, instead of ours.
But...
You showed up.
All pretty and made up.
Because we were going out.
So easily pleased I am.
We were finally going out.
No excuses, no rain checks.
Even if it's because you were already out.
Some words were exchanged.
But no serious arguments.
It seems I might have found something that could work.
When I make comments and remarks that upset you.
Stop talking, cool down.
Something so simple.
You were constantly uncomfortable.
Sorry I couldn't do much about that.
But other than that, I felt we had a good day.
It might be boring for you.
We only shopped and had lunch.
But it was still a good day for me.
One day the heart will die
This all started with your trip today.
I hate it, but too bad I don't have a car.
It's not a date you say.
Well, I don't care.
The fact is you were with him the whole day.
With me, there's always an excuse.
To go out, it's too uncomfortable.
To come over, it's too far.
To sit down outside, your back hurts.
But you can go out for hours on your own.
You can go to Melaka for the whole day.
you can withstand anything, as long as it's not with me.
You get driven up the wall everyday,
but hey, not driven enough apparently since you can still refuse to get out.
I am unhappy, angry, frustrated.
But I can't do shit or say shit.
Because I have destroyed your life.
I get so saddened that I just want to leave.
I want to let things go.
But I can't.
Cause you would just say 'yes'.
It's like you know you have me eating out of your hand.
You know I won't.
I may act out a little but I would come crawling back.
It's simply because you don't care about me as much as I care about you.
Yea I changed things for you.
Yea your life will never be the same because of shit I've done.
But I also give you the way out.
You just refuse to take it.
Your dignity's gone and you get dirt.
Well my life ain't a bed of roses.
I too have my dignity.
Being at your beck and call ain't very dignified.
Acting like a thief ain't very dignified.
Being blamed for every fuck shit ain't very dignified.
It's like you said, 'You don't know what the anger's about'
Well neither do I.
I'm not even sure what it's about now.
I'm so confused.
But I don't like the way things are going, that much I know.
I tried to do something about it but it didn't work.
Now I put up with it.
But my patience has a limit.
When it hits, sorry if I turn and walk.
I love you and I want to be with you.
Too bad, we don't share the same view.
I try to make things better.
Sorry it ain't good enough for you.
But there's only so much I can do.
And I am sick of the excuses you give me.
I am ready to be here for you, for the baby,
for your dreams, for your life.
But if that's not what you want,
it's your loss.
I ain't gonna sit around, watching you 'be cordial'.
I've said this too many times, even I'm sick of hearing it.
It's between me or nothing?
Looks like you've chosen nothing, cause you sure didn't pick me.
I hate it, but too bad I don't have a car.
It's not a date you say.
Well, I don't care.
The fact is you were with him the whole day.
With me, there's always an excuse.
To go out, it's too uncomfortable.
To come over, it's too far.
To sit down outside, your back hurts.
But you can go out for hours on your own.
You can go to Melaka for the whole day.
you can withstand anything, as long as it's not with me.
You get driven up the wall everyday,
but hey, not driven enough apparently since you can still refuse to get out.
I am unhappy, angry, frustrated.
But I can't do shit or say shit.
Because I have destroyed your life.
I get so saddened that I just want to leave.
I want to let things go.
But I can't.
Cause you would just say 'yes'.
It's like you know you have me eating out of your hand.
You know I won't.
I may act out a little but I would come crawling back.
It's simply because you don't care about me as much as I care about you.
Yea I changed things for you.
Yea your life will never be the same because of shit I've done.
But I also give you the way out.
You just refuse to take it.
Your dignity's gone and you get dirt.
Well my life ain't a bed of roses.
I too have my dignity.
Being at your beck and call ain't very dignified.
Acting like a thief ain't very dignified.
Being blamed for every fuck shit ain't very dignified.
It's like you said, 'You don't know what the anger's about'
Well neither do I.
I'm not even sure what it's about now.
I'm so confused.
But I don't like the way things are going, that much I know.
I tried to do something about it but it didn't work.
Now I put up with it.
But my patience has a limit.
When it hits, sorry if I turn and walk.
I love you and I want to be with you.
Too bad, we don't share the same view.
I try to make things better.
Sorry it ain't good enough for you.
But there's only so much I can do.
And I am sick of the excuses you give me.
I am ready to be here for you, for the baby,
for your dreams, for your life.
But if that's not what you want,
it's your loss.
I ain't gonna sit around, watching you 'be cordial'.
I've said this too many times, even I'm sick of hearing it.
It's between me or nothing?
Looks like you've chosen nothing, cause you sure didn't pick me.
Monday, August 09, 2010
Letter to father
You'll need to break to dad at some point; so I think we should start drafting the speech. We are special, we are able to see things from people's point and accept who they are. Father might be able to take this as well as we are so we need to break this to him nicely and not give the old man a heart attack.
This will have to do till we can think of something better.
Dear Father,
You know that grandson I told you you are going to have? Can you, you know, kind of forget about that?
The thing is, you see, when I slept with his mother, she was still married. She was going to get a divorce but me getting her knocked up kind of destroyed her plans. She is still going through with it but it might take a little longer than it was originally planned.
I could have brought her out and give her another place to stay and raise the child but you know, I am poor, like you. I can't give her a nice big place nor ferry her around in a car so that's not really helping things. I can't even let her complete her studies without worries.
Then there's the other thing. I know that everybody wants to invite her into the family and all but it's kind of a two way situation? She doesn't really want to join us? She's had some really bad experiences with families and I don't think she wants to be out of the fire and go right into a frying pan, a totally different Chinese one for that matter.
I told her she doesn't have to and she can be left alone and we can even leave here. I thank you father, for not objecting at all about me possibly running off to some faraway land, but you see, there's a third thing. She kind of hates me now really, for getting her pregnant. Whatever I say now is nonsense and whatever I do is wrong, so I don't think she would even want to stay with me, in all sense of the word?
So, with her remaining married for the stability and dignity, and her not wanting to be with me even if she's not married anymore, and her perceived incompatibility with families, and lastly her association of me with all things negative, it is highly unlikely that you will have your grandson after he's born.
Sorry dad.
Yours regretfully,
Wee Loon
This will have to do till we can think of something better.
Dear Father,
You know that grandson I told you you are going to have? Can you, you know, kind of forget about that?
The thing is, you see, when I slept with his mother, she was still married. She was going to get a divorce but me getting her knocked up kind of destroyed her plans. She is still going through with it but it might take a little longer than it was originally planned.
I could have brought her out and give her another place to stay and raise the child but you know, I am poor, like you. I can't give her a nice big place nor ferry her around in a car so that's not really helping things. I can't even let her complete her studies without worries.
Then there's the other thing. I know that everybody wants to invite her into the family and all but it's kind of a two way situation? She doesn't really want to join us? She's had some really bad experiences with families and I don't think she wants to be out of the fire and go right into a frying pan, a totally different Chinese one for that matter.
I told her she doesn't have to and she can be left alone and we can even leave here. I thank you father, for not objecting at all about me possibly running off to some faraway land, but you see, there's a third thing. She kind of hates me now really, for getting her pregnant. Whatever I say now is nonsense and whatever I do is wrong, so I don't think she would even want to stay with me, in all sense of the word?
So, with her remaining married for the stability and dignity, and her not wanting to be with me even if she's not married anymore, and her perceived incompatibility with families, and lastly her association of me with all things negative, it is highly unlikely that you will have your grandson after he's born.
Sorry dad.
Yours regretfully,
Wee Loon
Change
Dear Wee Loon,
You know what your problem is? Your problem is you're a wuss.
I don't know what happened to you but you didn't use to be like this. Somewhere down the road, maybe you read one too many sob story or watched one too many chick flicks. Or maybe you just met the wrong kind of girls, but you've gotten soft.
Now you're just like a girl trapped in a man's body; all sensitive and touchy-feely.
Maybe that's what she was talking about - that's your character flaw. Sob sob sob yah-dah yah-dah yah-dah blah blah blah. All this talk about hurt and pain and whatnots.
One word - Eew.
There's a difference, man, between being the nice guy and showing some TLC, and being a wuss who whines more than a chick.
At the moment, you sound more like the latter. So it's time to man up, or you'll lose all the charm and the chick.
Yours sincerely,
Wee Loon
You know what your problem is? Your problem is you're a wuss.
I don't know what happened to you but you didn't use to be like this. Somewhere down the road, maybe you read one too many sob story or watched one too many chick flicks. Or maybe you just met the wrong kind of girls, but you've gotten soft.
Now you're just like a girl trapped in a man's body; all sensitive and touchy-feely.
Maybe that's what she was talking about - that's your character flaw. Sob sob sob yah-dah yah-dah yah-dah blah blah blah. All this talk about hurt and pain and whatnots.
One word - Eew.
There's a difference, man, between being the nice guy and showing some TLC, and being a wuss who whines more than a chick.
At the moment, you sound more like the latter. So it's time to man up, or you'll lose all the charm and the chick.
Yours sincerely,
Wee Loon
Destruction
What do you do when you completely, utterly, and forever destroyed a person's life?
Firstly, you apologise. But what if apologies do not cut it? 'Sorry' is just a word. It will not make a difference to the person whose life was destroyed. It does not make things better.
Then you try to make things better. But what if there is no making things better? You may try all you want, all you can. But there's no turning the pages of time. What is done has been done. You may think you are making things better, but your better means little, if not nothing, to the affected party.
Then you repent. The saying did go, 'Repent and all will be forgiven.' Try telling that to the person whose life was destroyed. No amount of repentance will change the fact that things will be different, that the life will never be the same again.
You may, and you should, learn from your mistakes, to never repeat it again. While it may make a difference to the next person that comes along, but this one has already been destroyed. No amount of learning will help.
So what can you do? Doing nothing is not an option. Neither is trying your best, because your best will never be enough.
You can only take all the abuse in the world, and do whatever is required of you, even if it cost you your life. And even so, it will still never be good enough.
Even if your own life is in disarray, at least you have yourself to blame. At least you are suffering the consequences of your own stupidity. But what about the other party. An innocent person has to suffer for your mistakes; a suffering that she is not even responsible for.
So save your bullshit and just await your just punishment; You have no right, you have nothing.
And even that, will not bring justice.
Firstly, you apologise. But what if apologies do not cut it? 'Sorry' is just a word. It will not make a difference to the person whose life was destroyed. It does not make things better.
Then you try to make things better. But what if there is no making things better? You may try all you want, all you can. But there's no turning the pages of time. What is done has been done. You may think you are making things better, but your better means little, if not nothing, to the affected party.
Then you repent. The saying did go, 'Repent and all will be forgiven.' Try telling that to the person whose life was destroyed. No amount of repentance will change the fact that things will be different, that the life will never be the same again.
You may, and you should, learn from your mistakes, to never repeat it again. While it may make a difference to the next person that comes along, but this one has already been destroyed. No amount of learning will help.
So what can you do? Doing nothing is not an option. Neither is trying your best, because your best will never be enough.
You can only take all the abuse in the world, and do whatever is required of you, even if it cost you your life. And even so, it will still never be good enough.
Even if your own life is in disarray, at least you have yourself to blame. At least you are suffering the consequences of your own stupidity. But what about the other party. An innocent person has to suffer for your mistakes; a suffering that she is not even responsible for.
So save your bullshit and just await your just punishment; You have no right, you have nothing.
And even that, will not bring justice.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Fatherhood
'It's not up to me, it's up to my bank account.'
I know it's not up to you, because it's even further for me.
I feel like a sperm donor, albeit an unsolicited and very much hated one. Nothing is up to me. Up to this point, I have naming rights, paying rights and visitation rights.
I feel that I don't have a say in anything else about baby. From the way things go, I won't have a say in where baby lives, how baby is brought up. I am not getting ready for baby's birth, I am not buying baby's stuff. I might not even be around to take care of baby.
You said that baby would know who his biological father is. I am afraid that's all that I will be: the biological father.
Being the father is not just being related by blood. But I'm sorry, I am not presentable enough, nor rich enough, nor good enough to decide what's good for baby.
As I make my way home, MJ's song took on a whole new meaning for: 'Billie Jean's not my lover, she's just a girl who said I am the one. The kid is not my son.'
It's not my son, not when I can't say anything.
I know it's not up to you, because it's even further for me.
I feel like a sperm donor, albeit an unsolicited and very much hated one. Nothing is up to me. Up to this point, I have naming rights, paying rights and visitation rights.
I feel that I don't have a say in anything else about baby. From the way things go, I won't have a say in where baby lives, how baby is brought up. I am not getting ready for baby's birth, I am not buying baby's stuff. I might not even be around to take care of baby.
You said that baby would know who his biological father is. I am afraid that's all that I will be: the biological father.
Being the father is not just being related by blood. But I'm sorry, I am not presentable enough, nor rich enough, nor good enough to decide what's good for baby.
As I make my way home, MJ's song took on a whole new meaning for: 'Billie Jean's not my lover, she's just a girl who said I am the one. The kid is not my son.'
It's not my son, not when I can't say anything.
Anger
'But i dunno if the reason y i find it hard to open up to u is bec of the anger or you hell i dn even know if the anger has anything to do with what about u hold me back.'
I don't know what to make of it when I saw this message.
Should I be happy that you are not really angry about me holding you back? Or should I be unhappy because that would at least meant that we would be happy together if I hadn't held you back.
When did you start finding it hard to open up to me? Is it when I was having all these demands about being together? Or was it way back even before you found out that you were pregnant?
But I guess it'll be hard to turn back your thoughts towards me. Now that I am ingrained in your mind to be associated with all that is bad and causing you pain and sadness.
If only I didn't knock you up, you would be able to run away. You would not be stuck in this. You wouldn't be treated badly. Nobody could judge you. You would only be responsible for yourself. Your plans would be intact and in place.
Just because of all these I can understand why you don't want to and cannot open up to me. It may not be about me but it does put you in a place where you are more vulnerable than ever.
And worse, I can't even clean up the mess for you, because I can't give you better. And as the days go by, it seems like you're further and further away from better. If only you were not pregnant, a cheap and small place wouldn't be a problem. If only you weren't pregnant, you wouldn't need to at least be comfortable. If only you weren't pregnant, you wouldn't have to give up all the things you wanted and had for 'a fuckin baby'.
And no, love is not enough to make these things better. We can't survive on love. Those things only happen in the movies.
I don't know what to make of it when I saw this message.
Should I be happy that you are not really angry about me holding you back? Or should I be unhappy because that would at least meant that we would be happy together if I hadn't held you back.
When did you start finding it hard to open up to me? Is it when I was having all these demands about being together? Or was it way back even before you found out that you were pregnant?
But I guess it'll be hard to turn back your thoughts towards me. Now that I am ingrained in your mind to be associated with all that is bad and causing you pain and sadness.
If only I didn't knock you up, you would be able to run away. You would not be stuck in this. You wouldn't be treated badly. Nobody could judge you. You would only be responsible for yourself. Your plans would be intact and in place.
Just because of all these I can understand why you don't want to and cannot open up to me. It may not be about me but it does put you in a place where you are more vulnerable than ever.
And worse, I can't even clean up the mess for you, because I can't give you better. And as the days go by, it seems like you're further and further away from better. If only you were not pregnant, a cheap and small place wouldn't be a problem. If only you weren't pregnant, you wouldn't need to at least be comfortable. If only you weren't pregnant, you wouldn't have to give up all the things you wanted and had for 'a fuckin baby'.
And no, love is not enough to make these things better. We can't survive on love. Those things only happen in the movies.
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Letter to self
Dear Wee Loon,
What are you doing?
I think you've watched one too many chick flicks, bro. Well this is not one of them, and hence there will be no fairy tale ending.
Seriously, man. Get a life. First up, stop sitting there waiting for her to be free, waiting for her to want to go out with you, waiting for her to want to spend time with you. Isn't it obvious enough that she doesn't want to? The only reason why she still hangs out with you is to 'keep things cordial', just like what she is doing with him, or so she says.
She has to keep things nice because you're the stupid bastard that knocked her up and made her life more difficult than it already was. At least this way you're be around to pay for your mistakes, in all sense of the word, and she won't be left alone to pick up your mess.
Secondly, you were the stupid bastard, now you're just stupid. This is not the first girl you've loved and definitely not the first one that doesn't love you back. Why are you still pining for a relationship, doing stupid things like hanging around her block, look at the phone every five minutes to see if she texted or called. C'mon, you're not 15 anymore.
If she does not love you, and you have tried to make her and failed, take the rejection and walk. Do you know how much of a pest it makes you, to always clamour for love, time, a relationship, sex, to a girl who doesn't love you but has to put up with you.
Not to mention in the end getting treated like an idiot on a ride.
Things might have worked out in a different time and place. But it isn't anymore. She already hinted you enough: 'I'm not looking for a relationship.'; 'Fine.'; 'I've gone through enough shit for u. Now i'm dealing with this my way - the way that's least painful n burdensome for me and the child'; 'It's better than running off with you right now.'; 'At this moment i need stability and my dignity most.'; 'I don't want you visiting me at my place anymore while he's out.'; 'I'm tired of getting into trouble for u i really am. Please leave me alone.'; 'Make up your mind. I don't like you way you're treating me.'
Why would she ever be with you when you can't give her stability, dignity, out of trouble, or anything at all. You have nothing good for her. Plus, she DOESN'T love you; so there goes the last possible mitigating factor.
So would you please please please really snap out of it before you look any more like a desperado and behave any more like a pest?
You are just pathetic.
Yours sincerely,
Wee Loon
What are you doing?
I think you've watched one too many chick flicks, bro. Well this is not one of them, and hence there will be no fairy tale ending.
Seriously, man. Get a life. First up, stop sitting there waiting for her to be free, waiting for her to want to go out with you, waiting for her to want to spend time with you. Isn't it obvious enough that she doesn't want to? The only reason why she still hangs out with you is to 'keep things cordial', just like what she is doing with him, or so she says.
She has to keep things nice because you're the stupid bastard that knocked her up and made her life more difficult than it already was. At least this way you're be around to pay for your mistakes, in all sense of the word, and she won't be left alone to pick up your mess.
Secondly, you were the stupid bastard, now you're just stupid. This is not the first girl you've loved and definitely not the first one that doesn't love you back. Why are you still pining for a relationship, doing stupid things like hanging around her block, look at the phone every five minutes to see if she texted or called. C'mon, you're not 15 anymore.
If she does not love you, and you have tried to make her and failed, take the rejection and walk. Do you know how much of a pest it makes you, to always clamour for love, time, a relationship, sex, to a girl who doesn't love you but has to put up with you.
Not to mention in the end getting treated like an idiot on a ride.
Things might have worked out in a different time and place. But it isn't anymore. She already hinted you enough: 'I'm not looking for a relationship.'; 'Fine.'; 'I've gone through enough shit for u. Now i'm dealing with this my way - the way that's least painful n burdensome for me and the child'; 'It's better than running off with you right now.'; 'At this moment i need stability and my dignity most.'; 'I don't want you visiting me at my place anymore while he's out.'; 'I'm tired of getting into trouble for u i really am. Please leave me alone.'; 'Make up your mind. I don't like you way you're treating me.'
Why would she ever be with you when you can't give her stability, dignity, out of trouble, or anything at all. You have nothing good for her. Plus, she DOESN'T love you; so there goes the last possible mitigating factor.
So would you please please please really snap out of it before you look any more like a desperado and behave any more like a pest?
You are just pathetic.
Yours sincerely,
Wee Loon
Sunday, July 25, 2010
The lesser pain
I saw the look on your face.
That moment of hesitation.
Then another look, one of exasperation and anger.
I don't know which one is more painful.
What I used to do, it brought me deeper and deeper into you.
And cut harder and harder each time you make a different choice.
But at least I could still hold you, kiss you and feel you in my arms.
Now, it's easier to separate what I can and cannot have.
But every time I see you, it hurts so much 'cause I can't touch you.
It hurts even more what I see on your face as I send you back,
And the messages that go 'Fine.'
Which is the lesser pain?
You're an addiction.
Each time I see you, those 2 hours of bliss make me forget all the problems we have.
But each time you leave, the remaining 22 hours are torture, interspersed with doses of sweetness.
As the days go by, I only want to have more of you.
But you refuse me so.
So now I try to cure my addiction.
And it is cutting worse.
Having to treat you coldly 24 hours, is worse.
At least I used to have 2 hours of bliss, and many hours of sweet nothings.
I still pick up the phone ever so often, I think it's become a habit.
I hope it's just the initial cold turkey.
But I don't want to stop being addicted to you.
I just don't know which is the lesser pain.
That moment of hesitation.
Then another look, one of exasperation and anger.
I don't know which one is more painful.
What I used to do, it brought me deeper and deeper into you.
And cut harder and harder each time you make a different choice.
But at least I could still hold you, kiss you and feel you in my arms.
Now, it's easier to separate what I can and cannot have.
But every time I see you, it hurts so much 'cause I can't touch you.
It hurts even more what I see on your face as I send you back,
And the messages that go 'Fine.'
Which is the lesser pain?
You're an addiction.
Each time I see you, those 2 hours of bliss make me forget all the problems we have.
But each time you leave, the remaining 22 hours are torture, interspersed with doses of sweetness.
As the days go by, I only want to have more of you.
But you refuse me so.
So now I try to cure my addiction.
And it is cutting worse.
Having to treat you coldly 24 hours, is worse.
At least I used to have 2 hours of bliss, and many hours of sweet nothings.
I still pick up the phone ever so often, I think it's become a habit.
I hope it's just the initial cold turkey.
But I don't want to stop being addicted to you.
I just don't know which is the lesser pain.
Another question
25 July, Sunday
Cool morning
It's 6.26 in the morning.
I woke up despite sleeping for only 4 hours.
I woke up from a dream.
It was a dream of an argument.
An argument I had envisioned but never carried out.
Because you would get angry.
You told me you know your limits.
You wouldn't invite him to labour.
Things are sometimes out of your control,
like you so love to say.
What are the possibilities that you are still married to him when you go into labour?
Seems very high at this moment.
Where and what would you be when baby arrives?
You would be at home and he would be around.
He would send you to the hospital.
You might not be able to call me, he definitely won't.
Do you think I would rather have no one around you?
I am not that selfish.
What if something happens and you needed to be knocked out?
And you wake up to have him already registered the birth with the column 'father's particulars' filled in?
So when you told me you know your limits and you know what you're doing,
I sometimes wonder whether you really do.
And no, I don't think you're an idiot
Nor question your ability to think things.
It's just that we're all humans,
Sometimes we just don't see things.
Cool morning
It's 6.26 in the morning.
I woke up despite sleeping for only 4 hours.
I woke up from a dream.
It was a dream of an argument.
An argument I had envisioned but never carried out.
Because you would get angry.
You told me you know your limits.
You wouldn't invite him to labour.
Things are sometimes out of your control,
like you so love to say.
What are the possibilities that you are still married to him when you go into labour?
Seems very high at this moment.
Where and what would you be when baby arrives?
You would be at home and he would be around.
He would send you to the hospital.
You might not be able to call me, he definitely won't.
Do you think I would rather have no one around you?
I am not that selfish.
What if something happens and you needed to be knocked out?
And you wake up to have him already registered the birth with the column 'father's particulars' filled in?
So when you told me you know your limits and you know what you're doing,
I sometimes wonder whether you really do.
And no, I don't think you're an idiot
Nor question your ability to think things.
It's just that we're all humans,
Sometimes we just don't see things.
Monday, July 05, 2010
I am here.
I was there to watch you, from the moment you were at Departures.
You asked me why I didn't let you know, you could have come see me.
If you could get away, why did you tell me otherwise the first time when I said I wanted to see you off.
If you couldn't the first time, how was I to know that you could when I finally did come?
I have many a times tried to push for things.
What I always got in return was, "No means no. Don't push it, Loon."
So what I did in the end, was to watch you from afar.
You might have seen me but just not realised that it was me.
I was the hooded guy that hung around.
I saw you walk in.
I saw you check in.
I saw you walk up the escalator to find food.
When I lost you for a while, I combed the whole Terminal 3 wondering where you were having breakfast.
I saw you at Coffee Club.
I saw you walk away.
I saw you go into Immigration.
I didn't want to get you into trouble.
Perhaps I was still bothered by how we ended sour the night before.
You didn't really talk to me throughout the night.
I didn't know if you were still upset.
So I sneaked around, stupidly.
I kept going round, so that you would not see me.
So that he would not see me.
I looked like an idiot.
I felt like an idiot.
I even got the attention of police officers, who thought I was too shady.
I beat myself over it.
I should have just manned up, and told you I was there.
Why didn't I?
I don't know.
In the end, I didn't even get to talk to you much.
I think I think too much.
Next time, I'll just tell you that I am here.
You asked me why I didn't let you know, you could have come see me.
If you could get away, why did you tell me otherwise the first time when I said I wanted to see you off.
If you couldn't the first time, how was I to know that you could when I finally did come?
I have many a times tried to push for things.
What I always got in return was, "No means no. Don't push it, Loon."
So what I did in the end, was to watch you from afar.
You might have seen me but just not realised that it was me.
I was the hooded guy that hung around.
I saw you walk in.
I saw you check in.
I saw you walk up the escalator to find food.
When I lost you for a while, I combed the whole Terminal 3 wondering where you were having breakfast.
I saw you at Coffee Club.
I saw you walk away.
I saw you go into Immigration.
I didn't want to get you into trouble.
Perhaps I was still bothered by how we ended sour the night before.
You didn't really talk to me throughout the night.
I didn't know if you were still upset.
So I sneaked around, stupidly.
I kept going round, so that you would not see me.
So that he would not see me.
I looked like an idiot.
I felt like an idiot.
I even got the attention of police officers, who thought I was too shady.
I beat myself over it.
I should have just manned up, and told you I was there.
Why didn't I?
I don't know.
In the end, I didn't even get to talk to you much.
I think I think too much.
Next time, I'll just tell you that I am here.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Ring ring
I got a call
And my heart raced off the charts.
"Is it you?" It wondered, in that split second.
I picked up the phone.
It read "Sister".
My heart felt.
From racing too quickly.
"Yeah?" I answered.
As nonchalantly as I could.
Trying to hide every inch of disappointment.
I put down the phone.
Mind wandering again to you.
"What are you doing?" I ask myself.
"What are YOU doing?" I answered back.
"Pick up the damn phone already!" I persisted.
"Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder." It went on. "Out of sight would be out of mind."
"You must be strong. For both of you." The words rang.
I don't know what you've gotten yourself into. Looks pretty psycho to me.
And my heart raced off the charts.
"Is it you?" It wondered, in that split second.
I picked up the phone.
It read "Sister".
My heart felt.
From racing too quickly.
"Yeah?" I answered.
As nonchalantly as I could.
Trying to hide every inch of disappointment.
I put down the phone.
Mind wandering again to you.
"What are you doing?" I ask myself.
"What are YOU doing?" I answered back.
"Pick up the damn phone already!" I persisted.
"Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder." It went on. "Out of sight would be out of mind."
"You must be strong. For both of you." The words rang.
I don't know what you've gotten yourself into. Looks pretty psycho to me.
Which is more true?
Version A:
The union of a Taurus and a Sagittarius can spark an incredible bond of passion and mystery for the two lovers. Generally, Taureans are the determined and sensible types who will never give up if they do not have to. Their fortitude in life is to exceed all obstacles and to come out on top. This is often what has earned them the title of “stubborn bulls”. Known to being materialistic, they care deeply for their homes, and for other luxuries, they seek out in life. They feel they have earned this through the hard work and willingness to survive even in the hardest of predicaments. They are however very generous and kind loving. Family and loved ones are very dear to them, and they strive to keep their friends and family very close to them. Taureans can be very loyal and devoted, but if pushed too far, they are hardly lenient and that is when the bullheadedness can kick in. The dust will rise if you anger a Taurus, as they are very irritable and should not be provoked. These individuals are diligent in their hunger for success and firm in their desires to build solid foundations with those they include around them.
Sagittarians on the other hand are free spirited wanderers, independent and stylish. They do not desire the restraints of another’s needs or wants and prefer to expand their horizons. Their open-mindedness invites those of similar attitudes to pick their brains. They are full of philosophical truths and long to gain more of those same truths from others that have want to enlighten them. They place high value on knowledge and at times can seem haughty and far too sure of themselves, leading them to have to put their foot in their mouths when they open it too wide during conversations. They do not think before they speak. They have no real wish to do so, for what is on their mind is what they want to say, and they feel there is no reason to restrain them.
Whatever a Sagittarian likes to do, they do with the utmost grandeur of style. Searching for the good stuff in life, they seek out the best of the best, and this is where the Taureans and Sagittarians will come to agreement, that they both have the ambition to get what they want. These flights of fancy keep the Sagittarian open with their options of love and relationships, choosing to remain a mystery and allow those willing to challenge them to cross their paths. They are enthusiastic and always eager for adventure wherever it may be.
Together these two signs will see things in their own light. Taurus will be the more relaxed of the two, which will often bother the restless nature of the Sagittarian. Sagittarians will not stand for complacency and will provoke the bull to graze in other pastures and explore the world, utilizing that ambitious nature, but more than likely for the Sagittarians purposes alone. Taurus will be a worthy companion for the Sagittarius, but the Sagittarius will not admit her or his neediness for a stable base for a relationship. He or she will try to stir things up which will agitate the Taurus, and the bull might sharpen his or her horns when this happens. In the first stages of the companionship, Taurus will long for a more committed relationship, and this might scare the Sagittarius away, but through the Taurean’s patience, they both will come to appreciate one another more.
The thing to keep in mind here is that the planet Venus rules the Taurus, which is the matron of love and beauty. Jupiter, the great teacher of the zodiac and philosopher, rules the Sagittarius. Together these two will work together to sustain one another through beauty and intellect. The masculine and feminine energies that flow between these two will cause them to admire one another and finally convince them of their common bond. So, grab the bull by the horns and let love take flight.
Version B:
Taurus and Sagittarius have contrasting qualities, which will work against the compatibility of the couple. The two believe in different philosophies of life and hence, face major problems in their relationship. While the Taurus is a settled being, who prefers to stay at one place only, the Sagittarius is flighty and restless by nature and loves to travel to far-away places. Another point of difference between the two is that former likes to stick to his rules and principles, something which is totally alien for the wandering Archer.
The controlling nature of the Bull is also not likely to go well with the Sagittarian. The bluntness as well as the lashing tongue of the latter would definitely hurt the sensitive Bull. On the monetary front also, the two individuals differ. While the Taurean is cautious and spends money wisely, the Archer would gamble away even the last penny happily. In one line - Taurus is steady, disciplined, and home loving, while Sagittarius needs change, variety, and adventure. Opposing natures and characteristics do not allow them to have a compatible love match.
Taurus Man & Sagittarius Woman
The coming together of a Taurus man and a Sagittarius woman is likely to result in lots of problems and would require compromise and adjustment from both the ends. The craving for power in the Taurean man would interfere with the independent nature of the Sagittarian female. The Bull lives life by the rules, which are very difficult for the Archer to follow. His stubbornness and rigidity will add fuel to the fire. Her flighty nature would also bring out the jealousy and possessiveness in the Taurean male. For the duo to have a long-lasting relationship, they will need to work a lot on their weakness.
The union of a Taurus and a Sagittarius can spark an incredible bond of passion and mystery for the two lovers. Generally, Taureans are the determined and sensible types who will never give up if they do not have to. Their fortitude in life is to exceed all obstacles and to come out on top. This is often what has earned them the title of “stubborn bulls”. Known to being materialistic, they care deeply for their homes, and for other luxuries, they seek out in life. They feel they have earned this through the hard work and willingness to survive even in the hardest of predicaments. They are however very generous and kind loving. Family and loved ones are very dear to them, and they strive to keep their friends and family very close to them. Taureans can be very loyal and devoted, but if pushed too far, they are hardly lenient and that is when the bullheadedness can kick in. The dust will rise if you anger a Taurus, as they are very irritable and should not be provoked. These individuals are diligent in their hunger for success and firm in their desires to build solid foundations with those they include around them.
Sagittarians on the other hand are free spirited wanderers, independent and stylish. They do not desire the restraints of another’s needs or wants and prefer to expand their horizons. Their open-mindedness invites those of similar attitudes to pick their brains. They are full of philosophical truths and long to gain more of those same truths from others that have want to enlighten them. They place high value on knowledge and at times can seem haughty and far too sure of themselves, leading them to have to put their foot in their mouths when they open it too wide during conversations. They do not think before they speak. They have no real wish to do so, for what is on their mind is what they want to say, and they feel there is no reason to restrain them.
Whatever a Sagittarian likes to do, they do with the utmost grandeur of style. Searching for the good stuff in life, they seek out the best of the best, and this is where the Taureans and Sagittarians will come to agreement, that they both have the ambition to get what they want. These flights of fancy keep the Sagittarian open with their options of love and relationships, choosing to remain a mystery and allow those willing to challenge them to cross their paths. They are enthusiastic and always eager for adventure wherever it may be.
Together these two signs will see things in their own light. Taurus will be the more relaxed of the two, which will often bother the restless nature of the Sagittarian. Sagittarians will not stand for complacency and will provoke the bull to graze in other pastures and explore the world, utilizing that ambitious nature, but more than likely for the Sagittarians purposes alone. Taurus will be a worthy companion for the Sagittarius, but the Sagittarius will not admit her or his neediness for a stable base for a relationship. He or she will try to stir things up which will agitate the Taurus, and the bull might sharpen his or her horns when this happens. In the first stages of the companionship, Taurus will long for a more committed relationship, and this might scare the Sagittarius away, but through the Taurean’s patience, they both will come to appreciate one another more.
The thing to keep in mind here is that the planet Venus rules the Taurus, which is the matron of love and beauty. Jupiter, the great teacher of the zodiac and philosopher, rules the Sagittarius. Together these two will work together to sustain one another through beauty and intellect. The masculine and feminine energies that flow between these two will cause them to admire one another and finally convince them of their common bond. So, grab the bull by the horns and let love take flight.
Version B:
Taurus and Sagittarius have contrasting qualities, which will work against the compatibility of the couple. The two believe in different philosophies of life and hence, face major problems in their relationship. While the Taurus is a settled being, who prefers to stay at one place only, the Sagittarius is flighty and restless by nature and loves to travel to far-away places. Another point of difference between the two is that former likes to stick to his rules and principles, something which is totally alien for the wandering Archer.
The controlling nature of the Bull is also not likely to go well with the Sagittarian. The bluntness as well as the lashing tongue of the latter would definitely hurt the sensitive Bull. On the monetary front also, the two individuals differ. While the Taurean is cautious and spends money wisely, the Archer would gamble away even the last penny happily. In one line - Taurus is steady, disciplined, and home loving, while Sagittarius needs change, variety, and adventure. Opposing natures and characteristics do not allow them to have a compatible love match.
Taurus Man & Sagittarius Woman
The coming together of a Taurus man and a Sagittarius woman is likely to result in lots of problems and would require compromise and adjustment from both the ends. The craving for power in the Taurean man would interfere with the independent nature of the Sagittarian female. The Bull lives life by the rules, which are very difficult for the Archer to follow. His stubbornness and rigidity will add fuel to the fire. Her flighty nature would also bring out the jealousy and possessiveness in the Taurean male. For the duo to have a long-lasting relationship, they will need to work a lot on their weakness.
Misses and Kisses
It's crazy,
How someone can miss another person so much.
Every waking hour, no matter what I am doing, you are in my mind.
Literally, it's every minute and every day.
I bring my phone with me,
Everywhere I go.
Checking it every so often,
Just to see if you texted or called.
At this point, it's been almost 24 hours since I last saw, heard from you.
Something is keeping me from calling you.
Same thing that's hoping that you would call me.
Nothing, zilch, zero.
What are you doing?
How someone can miss another person so much.
Every waking hour, no matter what I am doing, you are in my mind.
Literally, it's every minute and every day.
I bring my phone with me,
Everywhere I go.
Checking it every so often,
Just to see if you texted or called.
At this point, it's been almost 24 hours since I last saw, heard from you.
Something is keeping me from calling you.
Same thing that's hoping that you would call me.
Nothing, zilch, zero.
What are you doing?
New attraction - Rollercoaster
It's been a rollercoaster of a month.
A month that flew by faster than the blinking of an eye.
A month when work was supposed to be done in leisurely fashion is left to be completed in a matter of hours.
More so, a month when emotions take a rollercoaster ride with more twists and turns than an Agatha Christie novel.
It's a month of love, of doubts, of fights, of jealousy, of many things rolled into one.
I am depressed.
I am lost.
Of the seven sins, I think I am consumed by all.
A month that flew by faster than the blinking of an eye.
A month when work was supposed to be done in leisurely fashion is left to be completed in a matter of hours.
More so, a month when emotions take a rollercoaster ride with more twists and turns than an Agatha Christie novel.
It's a month of love, of doubts, of fights, of jealousy, of many things rolled into one.
I am depressed.
I am lost.
Of the seven sins, I think I am consumed by all.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Incoherence
Words are cheap,
Actions are the results of circumstances.
What then, in this world is real?
When both words and actions have failed,
What can be depended on?
The path is such and the time cannot be reversed.
What is unknown will forever be unknown.
There comes the crossroad;
Thinking about the what if, and letting it affected the is.
Which path do we take?
Making the best out of the now?
Or thinking about whether the now wouldn't have existed?
Falsehood and randomness, reality and intent.
The line is so thin.
Maybe, just maybe, it's true.
The now is the result of circumstances.
What is important: is it real?
Such are the things that are blessings in disguise.
Totally unplanned and unintended.
Yet they couldn't be anything better.
Sacrifices have been made.
Shit has happened.
Opportunity costs are great.
At the end of the day, would it have been done differently?
I don't know.
The answer to that question now skews so violently to yes,
That it frightens me.
I thought at least what I have now is real.
It may have come differently but it is here.
It is what I work towards but I feel like Sispyhus.
Every time I push the boulder up to the top and feel like I have succeeded,
It rolls down the other slope and I have to do it all over again.
I reach and I reach and I hit a brick wall.
I cannot pull and I cannot push.
I pull and I am afraid you might think that I don't want to be in this.
I push and I am afraid I might push too hard and push you away.
I have doubts but I cannot say.
It would only add on to whatever doubts you have and make things worse.
I have demands that I cannot make.
It pushes you over the edge and you are trying so hard to keep it together.
Sometimes it just feels like you are not even in this.
You feel like we are in this because we have no choice.
I feel like you are not even in this.
But I could never know.
Because it would be too hard for you.
So I could only try and try,
work and work.
spoil and spoil.
Because it feels like if I even let up a little,
I would lose you.
And no, I don't care if you are pregnant.
It isn't able the pregnancy.
Actions are the results of circumstances.
What then, in this world is real?
When both words and actions have failed,
What can be depended on?
The path is such and the time cannot be reversed.
What is unknown will forever be unknown.
There comes the crossroad;
Thinking about the what if, and letting it affected the is.
Which path do we take?
Making the best out of the now?
Or thinking about whether the now wouldn't have existed?
Falsehood and randomness, reality and intent.
The line is so thin.
Maybe, just maybe, it's true.
The now is the result of circumstances.
What is important: is it real?
Such are the things that are blessings in disguise.
Totally unplanned and unintended.
Yet they couldn't be anything better.
Sacrifices have been made.
Shit has happened.
Opportunity costs are great.
At the end of the day, would it have been done differently?
I don't know.
The answer to that question now skews so violently to yes,
That it frightens me.
I thought at least what I have now is real.
It may have come differently but it is here.
It is what I work towards but I feel like Sispyhus.
Every time I push the boulder up to the top and feel like I have succeeded,
It rolls down the other slope and I have to do it all over again.
I reach and I reach and I hit a brick wall.
I cannot pull and I cannot push.
I pull and I am afraid you might think that I don't want to be in this.
I push and I am afraid I might push too hard and push you away.
I have doubts but I cannot say.
It would only add on to whatever doubts you have and make things worse.
I have demands that I cannot make.
It pushes you over the edge and you are trying so hard to keep it together.
Sometimes it just feels like you are not even in this.
You feel like we are in this because we have no choice.
I feel like you are not even in this.
But I could never know.
Because it would be too hard for you.
So I could only try and try,
work and work.
spoil and spoil.
Because it feels like if I even let up a little,
I would lose you.
And no, I don't care if you are pregnant.
It isn't able the pregnancy.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
When it rains, it pours
I'm not your knight in shining armour,
In a great white valiant ride.
I'm the devil's advocate,
On a fast black metal steed.
This ain't a perfect ticket,
It might bring you straight to hell.
The road looks uncertain,
And the guide looks just as lost.
A ride with me won't be easy,
There ain't no proper cover.
We might detour a little,
We might get a little wet.
Pins and needles in your hands,
Clouds and questions in your mind.
Perhaps we'll tear each other's hair out,
And be at each other's throat.
A heavy price to pay it may be,
A solution to problems it is not.
Complications it has brought,
Illumination it will be.
But what it is,
Is a road to lead you home,
'Cause this sepet is worth coming home to.
In a great white valiant ride.
I'm the devil's advocate,
On a fast black metal steed.
This ain't a perfect ticket,
It might bring you straight to hell.
The road looks uncertain,
And the guide looks just as lost.
A ride with me won't be easy,
There ain't no proper cover.
We might detour a little,
We might get a little wet.
Pins and needles in your hands,
Clouds and questions in your mind.
Perhaps we'll tear each other's hair out,
And be at each other's throat.
A heavy price to pay it may be,
A solution to problems it is not.
Complications it has brought,
Illumination it will be.
But what it is,
Is a road to lead you home,
'Cause this sepet is worth coming home to.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Hooker and hookee
There exists in this world a certain type of relationship: that of the hooker and the hookee.
No, we're not talking about prostitutes here. These terms are, according to the latest HIMYM episode, given to those who are liminal in their love affair.
The hooker is essentially the one who keeps the other party, a.k.a the hookee, strung along in a non-existent relationship. For the hooker, the hookee is the person that is not the right person but good to have around. In return, the hookee harbours hope of perhaps one day being together, though it usually never happens.
Through no participation of yours, I've been hooked for a long while. For some reason, I thought I might stand a chance, or not. It seems I'm a voluntary hookee. I can't explain why you attract me so but you just do.
The funny thing is I can't find a time when you even dropped a hook; there wasn't a time when you even remotely projected an image of possibility, but I am hooked nonetheless. How weird is that?
No, we're not talking about prostitutes here. These terms are, according to the latest HIMYM episode, given to those who are liminal in their love affair.
The hooker is essentially the one who keeps the other party, a.k.a the hookee, strung along in a non-existent relationship. For the hooker, the hookee is the person that is not the right person but good to have around. In return, the hookee harbours hope of perhaps one day being together, though it usually never happens.
Through no participation of yours, I've been hooked for a long while. For some reason, I thought I might stand a chance, or not. It seems I'm a voluntary hookee. I can't explain why you attract me so but you just do.
The funny thing is I can't find a time when you even dropped a hook; there wasn't a time when you even remotely projected an image of possibility, but I am hooked nonetheless. How weird is that?
It has come to this
"Same same but different" was the kind blessings my friend has given me.
Two times I had to go through the same shit. Same things to do, same problems, same near results, same mediator even.
Tomorrow will be my last day, or first. Will be really be "same same but different", or just "same same"?
Even if it's the former, I heard it only gets worse from there. So the wrong move started way back in 2007, or 2008, or even 2006, depending on how you look at it.
But it seems to be a bad move nonetheless. I have only myself to blame. So many chances to get out and with each step I plunged deeper in. Now all is set in stone, at least the damages are.
Although I have achieved a "Zen-ness" of sorts, some problems are still real. This "Zen-ness" only made the decision to just let it be and turn a new direction more tempting.
Whatever the result is, at least I think I won't be in for the long haul, not really.
Two times I had to go through the same shit. Same things to do, same problems, same near results, same mediator even.
Tomorrow will be my last day, or first. Will be really be "same same but different", or just "same same"?
Even if it's the former, I heard it only gets worse from there. So the wrong move started way back in 2007, or 2008, or even 2006, depending on how you look at it.
But it seems to be a bad move nonetheless. I have only myself to blame. So many chances to get out and with each step I plunged deeper in. Now all is set in stone, at least the damages are.
Although I have achieved a "Zen-ness" of sorts, some problems are still real. This "Zen-ness" only made the decision to just let it be and turn a new direction more tempting.
Whatever the result is, at least I think I won't be in for the long haul, not really.
Sunday, March 07, 2010
Sleeping Beau
And so it is, that I should sleep for over a day, after my previous post.
The weekend has come and gone, in a state of unconsciousness. From 5 am I slept, till the early afternoon, when I woke to work. Work took barely two hours, as I fall back asleep.
I missed dinner, and I missed Arsenal's victory, to find myself drifting in and out of consciousness this morning at 8.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
I need my sleep.
SAN DIEGO, California (AFP) - – What starts with an "s" that seniors need more of than younger adults, is great to get a bit of in the middle of the day and could cause teens to turn to drugs if they don't get enough of it?
The answer is sleep, according to several studies presented at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science.
A study conducted by researchers at the University of California San Diego (UCSD) found that 68-year-old adults, on average, did better on a simple memory test if they got more sleep.
In younger adults, aged 27 years on average, the quality of sleep also affected how they performed on the same test.
"What mattered in the younger adults was sleep efficiency -- that the sleep was consolidated into one solid chunk," said Sean Drummond, a professor at UCSD's department of psychiatry who led the study, adding that sleeping soundly and uninterruptedly happens less and less frequently with age.
"The most common change in sleep as we age is you wake up in the middle of the night and you're awake for some time, meaning you have lower sleep efficiency," Drummond said.
"In the older adults what we found is that waking up in the middle of the night did not affect brain function or performance the next day but if a young adult did that, it had significant detrimental effects on brain function," he said.
Another study looked at the possible benefits of napping.
"Our question first was could you get the same benefits from a short daytime nap as a full night of sleep," said Sara Mednick, also from UCSD's department of psychiatry.
"We started looking over a number of different tests beginning with a visual learning test, which showed that if you had a 90 minute nap you showed the same level of benefit as a full night of sleep," Mednick said.
"There's something very special about naps," she said.
But not everyone has the luxury of being able to catch a few Zs in the middle of the day, and as a substitute, many seek a caffeine boost.
But a double espresso works less well than a 20-minute nap, said Mednick.
"On some tasks, such as those involving perceptual memory, caffeine works as well as a nap," said Mednick.
"But when the task involves the hippocampus, the area of the brain devoted to explicit memories you can manipulate consciously, such as learning a list of words or a phone number or name, with caffeine, your memory for those kinds of tasks is decreased," she said.
Meanwhile, another study found that "two significant clinical and public health problems, sleep disorders and drug use in teens" are closely inter-twined.
Not only are teens who sleep less than seven hours a day more likely to do drugs, but they are also likely to pass both their bad sleep and drug-use behavior to friends and siblings. Related article: Study links lack of sleep to drug use among teens
"An adolescent who does not get enough sleep can influence a friend's sleep behavior, which increases the risk that the friend will use drugs," the study says.
Researchers at UCSD and Harvard University found that teens with a friend who sleeps less than seven hours a night are 11 percent more likely to sleep less than seven hours themselves and 19 percent more likely to use marijuana than teens whose friends get a good night's kip.
The US National Sleep Foundation recommends that teens get at least 8.5 hours of sleep and that adults, both younger and older, get at least seven hours.
The study was the first to find that poor sleep habits and drug use spread through teenagers' social networks "like a contagion," extending to up to four degrees of separation -- or to friends of friends of friends of friends.
The answer is sleep, according to several studies presented at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science.
A study conducted by researchers at the University of California San Diego (UCSD) found that 68-year-old adults, on average, did better on a simple memory test if they got more sleep.
In younger adults, aged 27 years on average, the quality of sleep also affected how they performed on the same test.
"What mattered in the younger adults was sleep efficiency -- that the sleep was consolidated into one solid chunk," said Sean Drummond, a professor at UCSD's department of psychiatry who led the study, adding that sleeping soundly and uninterruptedly happens less and less frequently with age.
"The most common change in sleep as we age is you wake up in the middle of the night and you're awake for some time, meaning you have lower sleep efficiency," Drummond said.
"In the older adults what we found is that waking up in the middle of the night did not affect brain function or performance the next day but if a young adult did that, it had significant detrimental effects on brain function," he said.
Another study looked at the possible benefits of napping.
"Our question first was could you get the same benefits from a short daytime nap as a full night of sleep," said Sara Mednick, also from UCSD's department of psychiatry.
"We started looking over a number of different tests beginning with a visual learning test, which showed that if you had a 90 minute nap you showed the same level of benefit as a full night of sleep," Mednick said.
"There's something very special about naps," she said.
But not everyone has the luxury of being able to catch a few Zs in the middle of the day, and as a substitute, many seek a caffeine boost.
But a double espresso works less well than a 20-minute nap, said Mednick.
"On some tasks, such as those involving perceptual memory, caffeine works as well as a nap," said Mednick.
"But when the task involves the hippocampus, the area of the brain devoted to explicit memories you can manipulate consciously, such as learning a list of words or a phone number or name, with caffeine, your memory for those kinds of tasks is decreased," she said.
Meanwhile, another study found that "two significant clinical and public health problems, sleep disorders and drug use in teens" are closely inter-twined.
Not only are teens who sleep less than seven hours a day more likely to do drugs, but they are also likely to pass both their bad sleep and drug-use behavior to friends and siblings. Related article: Study links lack of sleep to drug use among teens
"An adolescent who does not get enough sleep can influence a friend's sleep behavior, which increases the risk that the friend will use drugs," the study says.
Researchers at UCSD and Harvard University found that teens with a friend who sleeps less than seven hours a night are 11 percent more likely to sleep less than seven hours themselves and 19 percent more likely to use marijuana than teens whose friends get a good night's kip.
The US National Sleep Foundation recommends that teens get at least 8.5 hours of sleep and that adults, both younger and older, get at least seven hours.
The study was the first to find that poor sleep habits and drug use spread through teenagers' social networks "like a contagion," extending to up to four degrees of separation -- or to friends of friends of friends of friends.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
My Way
And now, the end is here
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
I traveled each and ev'ry highway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way
Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way
Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way
I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now, as tears subside, I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way,
"Oh, no, oh, no, not me, I did it my way"
For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way!
[instrumental]
Yes, it was my way
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
CNY 2010
Another year has come and gone. These shelves that were just standing against the wall were finally put up.
It was something I told myself I must do this year, amongst many other things. Chinese New Year is a welcomed break to the monotony of things, of life. More than just the food, ang baos, gathering and time off, it was, in itself, a harbinger of getting things in order and changes to come.
Change, however, occurs when Man makes it. All the promises of change amounts to nothing if we do not carry it out. At the last day of CNY, I have not made any changes except this wall and these shelves. I am still not in order, nor those other areas of my life.
Whoever is it that said that the only constant in life is change? Haven't you heard that nothing's changed?
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Excuses
ex⋅cuse /v. ɪkˈskyuz; n. ɪkˈskyus/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [v. ik-skyooz; n. ik-skyoos]
–noun
1. an explanation offered as a reason for being excused; a plea offered in extenuation of a fault or for release from an obligation, promise, etc.
2. a ground or reason for excusing or being excused.
3. the act of excusing someone or something.
4. a pretext or subterfuge.
5. an inferior or inadequate specimen of something specified.
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Sunday, February 07, 2010
Reflection
I am now writing my lesson reflections for the past weeks. The reflections include not only lesson preparations, it also includes lesson execution and any other aspects of day to day school life.
I was looking at my notes from the conferences with my mentors and remembered that for one of the lessons, my plans were horrible, with important information missing and timing all wrong.
I knew how it happened. I was writing it as I drifted in and out of consciousness. That is one of the reasons why I have not been submitting lesson plans on time. I keep falling asleep, either during my free time or while writing them.
When I was younger it didn't matter. I was proud of the fact that I could sleep anywhere. It was part of my ruggedness and I saw it as a mark of a man. Now that I am assuming the responsibilities of an adult and bear the consequences of tens of thousands of debt, it frightens me.
I know that fatigue, both mental and physical, is one of the symptoms of spherocytosis. It is only logical; there is consistently insufficient amount oxygen to go anywhere. I also have an inappropriate amount of blood waste in my body.
But I have not allowed it to impair my life. I took part in marathons and play sports regularly because I wanted to prove that I will not be handicapped. I am still sore from the fact that I was dropped from the air force and I want to show them that I am not affected by this little lack of blood.
But mentally it is taking its toll. Mental fatigue is far worse than physical fatigue. Its mark is in the state of somnolence. I cannot, for the sake of my life, keep myself awake. I have been fighting sleep for these weeks of practicum. Each night is marked by alternate half-hour periods of sleep and wakefulness. In the end, I go to work each day as if I had not slept the night before.
More importantly, my work is not getting done properly. Both the preparations and the execution. I seem to move around in a state of semi-consciousness, occasionally roused awake by people talking to me.
I wanted to tell this to the people I am working under. But I find myself unable to do so. I am worried that it is just a convenient excuse for my inefficiency. Even if it were true, it is not a valid excuse other than for them to ask me to leave the service, adding another fifty thousand to my mountain of debt.
I am also afraid that the day I acknowledge it as the reason for my uselessness, I would turn to it whenever I have trouble completing anything instead of trying my best.
I have stopped going to the doctors ages ago. They could do nothing but give me iron pills and vitamins. There is nothing much I could do about this except a splenectomy but that causes problems of its own.
Everything is taking a turn towards the worst. I never saw myself being this despondent, but it is happening. I never wanted to just let things go so much. In less serious cases, I feel like quitting this job and just taking the debt in my stride. In more serious cases, I just feel like letting things go, period. It isn't so much the job, though it is not an easy job, but the realisation that this problem might be with me no matter what I do.
I have to give myself credit. I do not just say fuck it and go work everyday not ready. I do not just give this as an excuse and not work. I try and I try and I try and I try.
But when do I stop trying?
I was looking at my notes from the conferences with my mentors and remembered that for one of the lessons, my plans were horrible, with important information missing and timing all wrong.
I knew how it happened. I was writing it as I drifted in and out of consciousness. That is one of the reasons why I have not been submitting lesson plans on time. I keep falling asleep, either during my free time or while writing them.
When I was younger it didn't matter. I was proud of the fact that I could sleep anywhere. It was part of my ruggedness and I saw it as a mark of a man. Now that I am assuming the responsibilities of an adult and bear the consequences of tens of thousands of debt, it frightens me.
I know that fatigue, both mental and physical, is one of the symptoms of spherocytosis. It is only logical; there is consistently insufficient amount oxygen to go anywhere. I also have an inappropriate amount of blood waste in my body.
But I have not allowed it to impair my life. I took part in marathons and play sports regularly because I wanted to prove that I will not be handicapped. I am still sore from the fact that I was dropped from the air force and I want to show them that I am not affected by this little lack of blood.
But mentally it is taking its toll. Mental fatigue is far worse than physical fatigue. Its mark is in the state of somnolence. I cannot, for the sake of my life, keep myself awake. I have been fighting sleep for these weeks of practicum. Each night is marked by alternate half-hour periods of sleep and wakefulness. In the end, I go to work each day as if I had not slept the night before.
More importantly, my work is not getting done properly. Both the preparations and the execution. I seem to move around in a state of semi-consciousness, occasionally roused awake by people talking to me.
I wanted to tell this to the people I am working under. But I find myself unable to do so. I am worried that it is just a convenient excuse for my inefficiency. Even if it were true, it is not a valid excuse other than for them to ask me to leave the service, adding another fifty thousand to my mountain of debt.
I am also afraid that the day I acknowledge it as the reason for my uselessness, I would turn to it whenever I have trouble completing anything instead of trying my best.
I have stopped going to the doctors ages ago. They could do nothing but give me iron pills and vitamins. There is nothing much I could do about this except a splenectomy but that causes problems of its own.
Everything is taking a turn towards the worst. I never saw myself being this despondent, but it is happening. I never wanted to just let things go so much. In less serious cases, I feel like quitting this job and just taking the debt in my stride. In more serious cases, I just feel like letting things go, period. It isn't so much the job, though it is not an easy job, but the realisation that this problem might be with me no matter what I do.
I have to give myself credit. I do not just say fuck it and go work everyday not ready. I do not just give this as an excuse and not work. I try and I try and I try and I try.
But when do I stop trying?
Monday, February 01, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
The Sabbath
"And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made. And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made."
- Genesis 2:2-3
Some people claim that according to the Scriptures, the week ends on Saturday when God rested from creation, other subscribe to the modern, and Gregorian calenders which end the week on Sunday.
Though the actual seventh day, the Sabbath, of the week has been much debated, the lesson to draw from this is the same, to have a day of rest after a week of work.
In this modern society where work and deadlines and engagements never seem to end, how many of us take this time off to recharge ourselves? As it goes, it has become a national issue in Singapore where the headlines in the past few days have been about needing to work efficiently and to shift the working styles from putting in long hours to putting in those hours in a smart manner.
Linked to that is the discussion on whether S.Korea's proposal to black out the cities to make people stop work and produce babies would be a viable solution here in Singapore . When the general working culture is that of work and people bringing work back home, forcing them to stop work is nothing more than a change of location; a result already evident in France where the 35-hour work week has been in force for some years.
In my case, I don't want much. I only want a day a week to sleep in, have Sunday brunch with my loved ones, sit around sipping coffee, reading, play football, and then sleep early. We should all take a page from the old Man up there.
Rest and bless the day.
Though the actual seventh day, the Sabbath, of the week has been much debated, the lesson to draw from this is the same, to have a day of rest after a week of work.
In this modern society where work and deadlines and engagements never seem to end, how many of us take this time off to recharge ourselves? As it goes, it has become a national issue in Singapore where the headlines in the past few days have been about needing to work efficiently and to shift the working styles from putting in long hours to putting in those hours in a smart manner.
Linked to that is the discussion on whether S.Korea's proposal to black out the cities to make people stop work and produce babies would be a viable solution here in Singapore . When the general working culture is that of work and people bringing work back home, forcing them to stop work is nothing more than a change of location; a result already evident in France where the 35-hour work week has been in force for some years.
In my case, I don't want much. I only want a day a week to sleep in, have Sunday brunch with my loved ones, sit around sipping coffee, reading, play football, and then sleep early. We should all take a page from the old Man up there.
Rest and bless the day.
Lifestyle Tips: Is Multi-Tasking Making You Ill?
When there just aren't enough hours in the day to juggle job, family, friends and the housework, do yourself a favour and stop trying so hard.
In between holding down a couple of careers, wiping runny noses, sitting on a handful of do-gooding committees, trying to look passably well-groomed and attempting to tame a garden that constantly threatens to turn into Sleeping Beauty's, my best friend and I occasionally find a moment for a brief e-mail exchange. (We live just two streets away from each other, yet hardly spend more time face-to-face than we did when 200 miles separated us.)
Among the 500 or so e-mails that land in my inbox each week, there's an inspirational thought which I sent to my pal for light relief recently. It read: "The best way to get things done is to do one task at a time."
"Hah!", she wrote back at 11 pm after putting her daughter to bed, leafing through some paint charts, folding the laundry and finishing a freelance commission. "Obviously written by a man!".
Whether we call ourselves jugglers or multitaskers, the more we manage to do at once, the more we congratulate ourselves. We iron with a phone tucked under our chin. Grab a sandwich and eat it while working. I'm ashamed to admit I've even been known to snack 'n' drive – once being forced to change gears unexpectedly with my hand in a bag of lobster-flavoured crisps.
"Multitasking" was a phrase first minted (in Silicon Valley) to describe computers that could run more than one program at a time. But in the 21st century, we've all become human multitaskers. And, no question, women are better at it than men. Studies have shown that women use both hemispheres of the brain – while men tend to use one, so they're more "compartmentalised", tending to focus on one thing at a time.
Bestselling "I Don't Know How She Does It" author Allison Pearson sums it up: "We're wired differently. It must be something to do with Early Woman being a gatherer – needing to pick berries while keeping an ear out for the kids and planning what we're going to have for dinner at that cave party a week from Tuesday."
However, research suggests that multitasking might be bad for our memories and our wellbeing. The stress of doing too many things at once can not only strain the brain, but set us up for a raft of physical problems, too.
Dr David Meyer, a psychology professor at the University of Michigan who specialises in cognition and perception, insists, "Chronic multitasking over the years poses a strong risk for ultimate brain damage. As we force ourselves to bounce from task to task, we generate stress. Body and mind gear up to cope by releasing adrenaline. This powerful medicine is good for a crisis – but on an ongoing basis, it's hard on the brain and body."
Stress hormones divert energy from the part of our brain that forms memory (including the hippocampus) to the parts of the body needed for the "fight-or-flight" response. Long-term, this stress can lead to permanent shrinkage of the hippocampus.
What's more, Dr Meyer observed that multitaskers are losing the ability to concentrate. Viz my friend Kate's admission: "I spend more and more time in the office each morning 'going round in my basket' like a dog settling, before I can crack on with my day."
According to Dr Marcel Just, who's researching ageing at Carnegie Mellon University in the US, that's because "there's only so much mental capacity to go around." If you run too many programs at once on a computer, it tends to crash. Ditto human memory – which is what regularly happens to another of my friends Manic Janet, working mother of five-year-old twins: "I was ironing a shirt and the phone went, and then I looked out of the window and thought I'd go and pick a bunch of flowers. I then smelled burning coming from the kitchen – and I'd burnt an iron-shaped hole in my best Nicole Farhi shirt."
Multitaskers also tend to sleep badly, which not only impacts on our immune system, but can increase the likelihood of other stress-related health problems like heart disease.
It's time to reclaim the idea of mono-tasking, that quaint idea of doing one thing at a time. It might just turn out to save our health, wellbeing and our relationships. (And I might get to spend time with my best friend, instead of typing messages to her at 5am).
HOW TO UN-MULTITASK
Not all multitaskers are created equal, so if you want to detox your tasking routine, it helps to take a customised approach. Make one small change at a time. If you give up multitasking completely, you'll be on overload again before you know it.
• The Culture Vulture So much to read (and watch, and listen to) – and so little time. You skim through the newspaper while watching "Desperate Housewives" and beside your bed is a teetering pile of Sunday supplements and mail-order catalogues that you only really attend to when it avalanches to the floor.
The Detox Will the world be any different if you only buy one Sunday paper? Each morning, earmark one or two TV programmes that you'd really like to watch that night and have a long, indulgent girlie chat with a friend rather than squeeze her in while channel-surfing.
• The Office Juggler You pride yourself on being able to cope with whatever your day (or boss) throws at you – but in reality, projects pile up and only get finished when there's a deadline. You probably get in early and stay late, too, to keep on top of your e-mails.
The Detox First, clear your desk so that it's easier to focus on each project. (A carefully-labelled hanging file under your desk is better than a mountain of folders.) Block out periods of time to work on specific projects. But never go more than 90 minutes without a break, because the brain needs time to recharge. Set aside 15-minute chunks, a few times a day, to deal with e-mail, rather than keeping it permanently open – and get a spam filter, so you're not spending time deleting irrelevant info.
• The Domestic Perfectionist You bend over backwards to make sure your home looks like something out of one of those glossy homes magazines you subscribe to. You have a pile of vintage curtains just waiting to be turned into gorgeous cushions, and spend hours spritzing your linen with lavender water. But there are piles of things behind the sofa because you never quite finish tidying one space before moving on to the next – and that mountain of ironing just keeps getting higher.
The Detox Remind yourself that the homes in magazines don't look like that for more than about five minutes. (It takes a stylist and much grooming to get camera-ready, and invariably, just out of shot, there's a vast pile of junk. If not, the place is inhabited by aliens.) Slow down, take a breath and ask yourself: Which is more important, a perfect home, or health and happiness? Buy less, so there's less to tidy. Try folding clothes when they're straight out of the drier, to save time at the ironing board. And why not pay someone to make those pretty cushions for you?
• The Crazed Cook Your kitchen walls are lined with cookbooks and Saturdays are spent dashing around town seeking out tamarind paste. You're constantly tearing recipes out of magazines – but never seem to get round to creating them. In fact, the last time you spent all evening in the kitchen, stirring, pouring, flambéing and crisping with your blowtorch you were ready to collapse.
The Detox Sign up for the Slow Food movement (slowfood.com). Or think like a Frenchwoman: buy the starter, or dessert, so that you're less frazzled and can actually enjoy your friends' company. Enlist their help – dressing the salad, pouring the wine. Have a ruthless cull of your cookbooks, keeping only the books that you refer to time and again. Author Shirley Conran was right when she said that life really is too short to stuff a mushroom.
In between holding down a couple of careers, wiping runny noses, sitting on a handful of do-gooding committees, trying to look passably well-groomed and attempting to tame a garden that constantly threatens to turn into Sleeping Beauty's, my best friend and I occasionally find a moment for a brief e-mail exchange. (We live just two streets away from each other, yet hardly spend more time face-to-face than we did when 200 miles separated us.)
Among the 500 or so e-mails that land in my inbox each week, there's an inspirational thought which I sent to my pal for light relief recently. It read: "The best way to get things done is to do one task at a time."
"Hah!", she wrote back at 11 pm after putting her daughter to bed, leafing through some paint charts, folding the laundry and finishing a freelance commission. "Obviously written by a man!".
Whether we call ourselves jugglers or multitaskers, the more we manage to do at once, the more we congratulate ourselves. We iron with a phone tucked under our chin. Grab a sandwich and eat it while working. I'm ashamed to admit I've even been known to snack 'n' drive – once being forced to change gears unexpectedly with my hand in a bag of lobster-flavoured crisps.
"Multitasking" was a phrase first minted (in Silicon Valley) to describe computers that could run more than one program at a time. But in the 21st century, we've all become human multitaskers. And, no question, women are better at it than men. Studies have shown that women use both hemispheres of the brain – while men tend to use one, so they're more "compartmentalised", tending to focus on one thing at a time.
Bestselling "I Don't Know How She Does It" author Allison Pearson sums it up: "We're wired differently. It must be something to do with Early Woman being a gatherer – needing to pick berries while keeping an ear out for the kids and planning what we're going to have for dinner at that cave party a week from Tuesday."
However, research suggests that multitasking might be bad for our memories and our wellbeing. The stress of doing too many things at once can not only strain the brain, but set us up for a raft of physical problems, too.
Dr David Meyer, a psychology professor at the University of Michigan who specialises in cognition and perception, insists, "Chronic multitasking over the years poses a strong risk for ultimate brain damage. As we force ourselves to bounce from task to task, we generate stress. Body and mind gear up to cope by releasing adrenaline. This powerful medicine is good for a crisis – but on an ongoing basis, it's hard on the brain and body."
Stress hormones divert energy from the part of our brain that forms memory (including the hippocampus) to the parts of the body needed for the "fight-or-flight" response. Long-term, this stress can lead to permanent shrinkage of the hippocampus.
What's more, Dr Meyer observed that multitaskers are losing the ability to concentrate. Viz my friend Kate's admission: "I spend more and more time in the office each morning 'going round in my basket' like a dog settling, before I can crack on with my day."
According to Dr Marcel Just, who's researching ageing at Carnegie Mellon University in the US, that's because "there's only so much mental capacity to go around." If you run too many programs at once on a computer, it tends to crash. Ditto human memory – which is what regularly happens to another of my friends Manic Janet, working mother of five-year-old twins: "I was ironing a shirt and the phone went, and then I looked out of the window and thought I'd go and pick a bunch of flowers. I then smelled burning coming from the kitchen – and I'd burnt an iron-shaped hole in my best Nicole Farhi shirt."
Multitaskers also tend to sleep badly, which not only impacts on our immune system, but can increase the likelihood of other stress-related health problems like heart disease.
It's time to reclaim the idea of mono-tasking, that quaint idea of doing one thing at a time. It might just turn out to save our health, wellbeing and our relationships. (And I might get to spend time with my best friend, instead of typing messages to her at 5am).
HOW TO UN-MULTITASK
Not all multitaskers are created equal, so if you want to detox your tasking routine, it helps to take a customised approach. Make one small change at a time. If you give up multitasking completely, you'll be on overload again before you know it.
• The Culture Vulture So much to read (and watch, and listen to) – and so little time. You skim through the newspaper while watching "Desperate Housewives" and beside your bed is a teetering pile of Sunday supplements and mail-order catalogues that you only really attend to when it avalanches to the floor.
The Detox Will the world be any different if you only buy one Sunday paper? Each morning, earmark one or two TV programmes that you'd really like to watch that night and have a long, indulgent girlie chat with a friend rather than squeeze her in while channel-surfing.
• The Office Juggler You pride yourself on being able to cope with whatever your day (or boss) throws at you – but in reality, projects pile up and only get finished when there's a deadline. You probably get in early and stay late, too, to keep on top of your e-mails.
The Detox First, clear your desk so that it's easier to focus on each project. (A carefully-labelled hanging file under your desk is better than a mountain of folders.) Block out periods of time to work on specific projects. But never go more than 90 minutes without a break, because the brain needs time to recharge. Set aside 15-minute chunks, a few times a day, to deal with e-mail, rather than keeping it permanently open – and get a spam filter, so you're not spending time deleting irrelevant info.
• The Domestic Perfectionist You bend over backwards to make sure your home looks like something out of one of those glossy homes magazines you subscribe to. You have a pile of vintage curtains just waiting to be turned into gorgeous cushions, and spend hours spritzing your linen with lavender water. But there are piles of things behind the sofa because you never quite finish tidying one space before moving on to the next – and that mountain of ironing just keeps getting higher.
The Detox Remind yourself that the homes in magazines don't look like that for more than about five minutes. (It takes a stylist and much grooming to get camera-ready, and invariably, just out of shot, there's a vast pile of junk. If not, the place is inhabited by aliens.) Slow down, take a breath and ask yourself: Which is more important, a perfect home, or health and happiness? Buy less, so there's less to tidy. Try folding clothes when they're straight out of the drier, to save time at the ironing board. And why not pay someone to make those pretty cushions for you?
• The Crazed Cook Your kitchen walls are lined with cookbooks and Saturdays are spent dashing around town seeking out tamarind paste. You're constantly tearing recipes out of magazines – but never seem to get round to creating them. In fact, the last time you spent all evening in the kitchen, stirring, pouring, flambéing and crisping with your blowtorch you were ready to collapse.
The Detox Sign up for the Slow Food movement (slowfood.com). Or think like a Frenchwoman: buy the starter, or dessert, so that you're less frazzled and can actually enjoy your friends' company. Enlist their help – dressing the salad, pouring the wine. Have a ruthless cull of your cookbooks, keeping only the books that you refer to time and again. Author Shirley Conran was right when she said that life really is too short to stuff a mushroom.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
My Condolences
You know I am not the emotional kind, nor the best person to sympathise with other people's feelings.
I know not how you are taking it. I assume it's hurting, for I know the two of you as sensitive men, though none of you have shown anything, and you have assured me that you are alright.
You have my condolences. May the old man rest in peace and find bliss in another life.
Loon
What happens in the classroom?
What happens in the classroom is difficult to handle.
As a teacher, you have to know it all.
Not just what you are teaching. But also what is happening.
You have to know every word on the slides.
Every word in the worksheets.
You have to know every student.
Who is good, who is bad, who catches things fast, who needs more explanations.
Who is sleepy, who is restless. Who gets distracted, who distracts.
Who likes to daydream, who likes to loiter.
You must have a plan; a plan that details the processes in class.
You must work according to plan, a timing given is a timing to be followed.
You must be flexible. Timings must be changed according to the events that occur.
You must answer, you must also question.
You must repeat, but you must not bore.
You must model. At the same time, inspire individuality.
You must prescribe, but they must be self-directed learners.
Teaching is an art, and a science.
To teach, you must know everything.
I don't.
As a teacher, you have to know it all.
Not just what you are teaching. But also what is happening.
You have to know every word on the slides.
Every word in the worksheets.
You have to know every student.
Who is good, who is bad, who catches things fast, who needs more explanations.
Who is sleepy, who is restless. Who gets distracted, who distracts.
Who likes to daydream, who likes to loiter.
You must have a plan; a plan that details the processes in class.
You must work according to plan, a timing given is a timing to be followed.
You must be flexible. Timings must be changed according to the events that occur.
You must answer, you must also question.
You must repeat, but you must not bore.
You must model. At the same time, inspire individuality.
You must prescribe, but they must be self-directed learners.
Teaching is an art, and a science.
To teach, you must know everything.
I don't.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
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