Reflection

I am now writing my lesson reflections for the past weeks. The reflections include not only lesson preparations, it also includes lesson execution and any other aspects of day to day school life.

I was looking at my notes from the conferences with my mentors and remembered that for one of the lessons, my plans were horrible, with important information missing and timing all wrong.

I knew how it happened. I was writing it as I drifted in and out of consciousness. That is one of the reasons why I have not been submitting lesson plans on time. I keep falling asleep, either during my free time or while writing them.

When I was younger it didn't matter. I was proud of the fact that I could sleep anywhere. It was part of my ruggedness and I saw it as a mark of a man. Now that I am assuming the responsibilities of an adult and bear the consequences of tens of thousands of debt, it frightens me.

I know that fatigue, both mental and physical, is one of the symptoms of spherocytosis. It is only logical; there is consistently insufficient amount oxygen to go anywhere. I also have an inappropriate amount of blood waste in my body.

But I have not allowed it to impair my life. I took part in marathons and play sports regularly because I wanted to prove that I will not be handicapped. I am still sore from the fact that I was dropped from the air force and I want to show them that I am not affected by this little lack of blood.

But mentally it is taking its toll. Mental fatigue is far worse than physical fatigue. Its mark is in the state of somnolence. I cannot, for the sake of my life, keep myself awake. I have been fighting sleep for these weeks of practicum. Each night is marked by alternate half-hour periods of sleep and wakefulness. In the end, I go to work each day as if I had not slept the night before.

More importantly, my work is not getting done properly. Both the preparations and the execution. I seem to move around in a state of semi-consciousness, occasionally roused awake by people talking to me.

I wanted to tell this to the people I am working under. But I find myself unable to do so. I am worried that it is just a convenient excuse for my inefficiency. Even if it were true, it is not a valid excuse other than for them to ask me to leave the service, adding another fifty thousand to my mountain of debt.

I am also afraid that the day I acknowledge it as the reason for my uselessness, I would turn to it whenever I have trouble completing anything instead of trying my best.

I have stopped going to the doctors ages ago. They could do nothing but give me iron pills and vitamins. There is nothing much I could do about this except a splenectomy but that causes problems of its own.

Everything is taking a turn towards the worst. I never saw myself being this despondent, but it is happening. I never wanted to just let things go so much. In less serious cases, I feel like quitting this job and just taking the debt in my stride. In more serious cases, I just feel like letting things go, period. It isn't so much the job, though it is not an easy job, but the realisation that this problem might be with me no matter what I do.

I have to give myself credit. I do not just say fuck it and go work everyday not ready. I do not just give this as an excuse and not work. I try and I try and I try and I try.

But when do I stop trying?