Profanity

fuck  /fʌk/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [fuhk] Show IPA Vulgar.
–verb (used with object)
1. Slang. to treat unfairly or harshly.

–interjection
2. Slang. (used to express anger, disgust, peremptory rejection, etc., often fol. by a pronoun, as you or it.)

–noun
3. Slang. a person, esp. one who is annoying or contemptible.
4. the fuck, Slang. (used as an intensifier, esp. with WH-questions, to express annoyance, impatience, etc.)

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Moshi Cover

This laptop cover arrived for me while I was away. It is a very classy, and also overdue cover for my MacBook Pro.



I saw it at Sim Lim and it was going for $189. As much as I love to protect my belongings, it was not a price I was ready to pay. In this information age however, the producers are no longer the sovereign. I found it online for USD$65.

Including shipping, it costs around $100. I don't know if I could get it for cheaper but half-price is good enough for me. Now it looks beautiful.

Diving in Krabi

I am now a PADI Advanced Openwater Diver. I did it, bringing my diving education to another level.

This trip wasn't all about diving, although diving took a big part of it. It was also about my promise to myself that I will travel every six months. It was also about taking a breath of fresh air to ready myself for the coming work year.

True to my style, I managed to keep everything to a budget of $900+, including air tickets, accommodation and the diving course. In fact it would have been a lot cheaper, the course itself took around $500.

I thoroughly enjoyed myself on this trip, even though it was very short. Two days went to diving and the rest went to people-watching, reading and just enjoying the sea breeze on the beach.


I didn't feel that I learnt much from the course. I did Peak Performance Buoyancy, Naturalist, Deep, Navigation, and Boat Diving. Boat diving is nothing new, since all my dive trips so far had been from boats. Naturalist wasn't anything since I could still barely recognise the fishes I see. Navigation wasn't anything I didn't already know, except for understanding the effects of current. Peak Performance Buoyancy was something I really looked forward to as I felt that It was something useful and important for me to know in order to really appreciate the underwater world, but that too was disappointing. Deep diving was the most apprehensive for me as I didn't know how my body would react due to my condition but we only went down to 22 metres.


With all that said, it was not that I did not enjoy the diving. It was afterall, still a lot of fun and it opened up a whole world of possibilities now that I am certified an Advanced Diver. I just felt that I could have gotten more from it. Still, it adds to my experience and allows me to get better with practice.

One other thing that was disappointing, was that I didn't manage to do a wreck dive because they didn't want to conduct a Super Day dive, going to Shark Point, Anemone Reef and the Kingfisher Wreck. Also, I didn't get to see the sharks that so many others did.

Overall though, I still enjoyed myself. The first 3 days was travelling alone, which was really good. I didn't have to take care of anyone, wake up when I didn't want to, nor accommodate to others who had different interest, a.k.a. shopping.


The next few days was joined by Jeannie. It was nice too. The fact that she was quite a sport and didn't mind just sitting around wasting time, nor eating from eat local stores and walking around exploring made travelling with her very nice. For that I thank her. Of course, it helped that there was finally someone who could help me take pictures that included me in it.

Unlike HCMC last year, I could struck Krabi off my list of places visited. But I probably would go back again, at least till I explore the wreck.

Another Death

There has been a lot of deaths around me.

I returned from Krabi today, to be informed that a neighbour has died. Though we have been living in the same block our whole lives, we didn't become close friends.

Still, being a fellow rider, we often saw each other at the carpark. Sometimes, we would speak for some time on bikes and road trips.

He was a nice person, very friendly and kind, often giving me advice on riding. I often saw him with his mom, taking her on rides and sending her to places, because she had been ill with cancer and is now very frail. Out of three siblings, I only saw him do that.

His death come out in the papers. From the articles, I realised that he had been a real fighter in life. From a poor background and with a less than average childhood, he managed to get an honours degree and was working for A*Star. That place is hard to get in.

These things we never talked about and I never knew about him. From our interactions, however, I know only that he remained grounded and was a solid person. The worst was behind him, and the best was to come.

Alas, heaven would not let him have his way and he will never get to enjoy the fruits of his labour.

Dear friend, I hope you would be reaping what's owed to you in your next life, if there is one. I will miss hearing and seeing you coming back and parking in the lot beside me.

Rest in peace.

My Sister's Keeper

I watched this film in Krabi, where the guesthouse I stayed in put on movies every night.

It's been a while since I cried watching a movie and I couldn't believe how emotionally charged this movie is. When dealing with death, when is it time for people to let go?

It reminded me of Murakami's quote, "Life exists not as an opposite, but a part of life."

Today's trivial

Today's trivial is purely psychological; I heard about this in the university's introductory course to psychology before and vaguely remembered it.

Today's topic is about projection. In simple and layman's term, projection is putting your own thoughts across as somebody else's, to yourself. Sounds confusing? Well, here's an example: Boy likes girl. Boy projects his thoughts as girl's. Boy thinks girl likes boy.

Projection is usually associated with negative feelings, though not necessarily always so.

"Paleo-anthropologically speaking, this faculty probably had survival value as a self-defense mechanism when homo sapiens' intellectual capacity to detect deception in others improved to the point that the only sure hope to deceive was for deceivers to be self-deceived and therefore behave as if they were being truthful."

- Wikipedia

To this end, I had an epiphany today. What if a part of my life is a deception, nothing more than projection of my own feelings unto others? Have I been deceived for a large part of my life, believing what I believed to be true but was actually false?

Since I am largely capable of deceiving myself, who am I to believe? When even the last bastion in a world of innocence lost is no longer capable of protecting me?

Have I been living a life of lies, woven by my mind, nothing but a figment of my imagination? Am I to regress and subscribe to the Meditations of René Descartes and believe that je pense donc je suis, but for everything else, I could never be sure?

2nd Try

I did it again.

For the second year in a row I completed the Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon.

With less training than last year, I went for the marathon hoping for a better timing. Instead of just running on my own, I sort of made up for the training by participating in more events beforehand, including Nike Human Race and Army Half Marathon.

With my new Nike Sportsband, I was also able to gauge my pace and maintain it. This helped greatly. With a steady pace of around 6 minutes per kilometre - this is inaccurate as my Sportsband was not calibrated, but what I wanted was consistency so the actual pace didn't matter so much - I was able to sustain a longer run.

For this year's marathon, I was able to continue running up to the half way mark, stopping only for drinks. In addition, throughout the whole marathon I only cramped once, a marked improvement from last year when cramps were more the norm than the exception.

I was pretty sure I would make a better timing, maybe even sub-six. Well, last year's abysmal seven and a half hours wasn't really a benchmark to go by. However, as Danny injured his knee, we stayed with him and eventually still ended over seven hours. But hey, Shi An didn't give up on me last year and I wasn't going to give up on Danny this time round.

To top up everything, Adidas made a better sponsor than New Balance. The new finisher's tee looks horrible, as was the race pack. I guess I'll have to start doing the Sundown Marathon instead. Given the looks of things, I don't think I'll try 84km any time soon.

Je joue du foot

I've finally got a picture of me in action.

Not the best player on the field, I try to improve every week as I play.
At least in this instance, the opponent didn't amount to anything.

My dad says I look big here. The other guy is just small.

How gay we look in that pink jersey.

Krabi, Thailand

I'm going to Krabi.

As much as I have talked about travelling, I have never really travelled alone before, getting from Country A to Country B to meet someone doesn't count, neither does JB.

I have booked my tickets, $169 two ways, and arranged my accommodation, $120 Baht a night, checked out the dive shops, and am ready to go to Thailand.

I had had and still do have many apprehensions. But I decided that I should leave for a while, and come back fresh, to face the new challenges in the new year. Whatever it is, it's time to take a step back and hit the reset button, before going in headlong into a new life.

I'll also take this trip to continue my diving education. Since SSI is too tedious, I will cheat and switch over to PADI. Going straight for my AOWD on what is only my second dive trip is not advisable, but I have to think about my pocket.

So here I am, looking forward to disappearing from the 9th to 14th. May the clear blue sea calm my mind and soul.

"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye...

Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go..."

Loonism

Loonism - A summary

1) Everything is subjective.
2) Moderation is key.
3) Self-defeatism is unsalvageable.
4) Honesty is the best policy.
5) Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
6) It's a matter of choice.
7) Try everything once.

Death

Today I was informed of death.
Death of a friend.

She was young.
Only 24.

I couldn't make out any emotions.
Only surprise.

We weren't close.
But it's still strange.

Death around me,
Has never been so young.

Up in smoke

Last time we tried, we stopped just short of 3 weeks.
All we needed, was 1 lousy excuse.

This time we try again.

Today? Day 1.
D-Day? 6 December 2009.

Misconception

I am a curious man.

I like to watch T.V. programmes about things that are not strictly important in life, but I like to watch them nonetheless. I watch so much T.V. and read about such stuff that I know quite a bit of trivia.

Today I was watching another of these programmes, 'The Works' on History Channel and I realised something.

For a good part of my life I have enjoyed this delicious grain known to me as 薏米. As I got older I came to know it as barley. Since I could always get my orders in coffeeshops and eating places, I assume my fellow Singaporeans know it as the same thing.

Today, I realise I've got it wrong all along, and I cleared up quite a few things today.

It was mentioned in the programme that barley and malt are the main ingredients of beer. Though I know they are grains, I was never sure what the difference is. So I wiki-ed.

And to my horror, barley is not 薏米. Barley is 大麦. 薏米 is in fact something known as Coix Seed or Job's Tears. And while I am at it, 小麦 is wheat, 燕麦 is oat, and 麦芽 is malt.

Malt is what you get when grains are allowed to germinate in water.

No wonder I always felt that 薏米 doesn't look like the thing that made beer.

Matriarchy

Plague

You have returned,
Or have you not left at all?

I am a man,
Avoid me not like a plague.

Time

What do you know about time?
How much do you know about time?

Has a day always been 24 hours?
Who set it at 24 hours?
What was it before it was decided that a day is 24 hours?

Why is the Gregorian calender in use?
What was before the Gregorian calender?

You don't that much, do you?

Time is confusing.

Norwegian Wood

"You know the English subjunctive, you understand trigonometry, you can read Marx, and you don't know the answer to something as simple as that?"

"Death exists, not as the opposite but as a part of life."

- Haruki Murakami. (1987). Norwegian Wood

Nike+ Human Race 2009

Running at 7 a.m. tomorrow.

Meeting Jeremy at 530 a.m.

Here's to more runs.

没有烟抽的日子

And the original.

Dream

I think about you, baby

and I dream about you all the time.

I did dream about you.

My Newer-than-New Toy

This is my newer than new toy. In fact I'm posting this entry using this toy. It's a 13-inch MacBook Pro. It cost $1848, or $77 a month on hire purchase.

My friend said that it was an impulse buy. I denied it, saying that I had considered this for a while. Plus the last laptop I had, or still have, is my 5-year-old iBook. 5 years, who could use a laptop for 5 years and still have it in great condition? It's really slow though, through no fault of mine.

Then again, who am I kidding? It is SO an impulse buy. I did check it out for a while, but I never truly contemplated buying it. It's $1848. To me, that IS a lot of money.

Who the hell invented hire purchase? Interest-free. It's a gimmick that gives us a false sense of security. Compare $1848 to $77-a-month. All it does is let us fulfill all these wants that we have, allowing ourselves to believe that it is now affordable and be justified by our foolish brain as a need.

But it's SO pretty! Now for the accessories.

My New Toy

This is the Nike+ Sportband. It costs $99.90 at any Nike outlet and comes with a sensor.

It is a useful tool for any runner for it measures distance, pace, time and calories burnt. With a Nike+ account, runs get sync'd and recorded on the Nike+ website. However, the website is still full of bugs and can be exasperating to use.

I got this after knowing my friend has a similar system. It has proved pretty useful as it allowed me to control my run better and train better. Pacing is now easily done with a regular check of the band. Distance can be measured with resorting to plotting on googlemap. Calories are not really an issue with me.

In addition, when not running, it serves as a watch. I have had watches, but they never last long. This one is at least rechargeable.

Rule No. 6

It's a matter of choice.

Every route is a choice.

Staying put is a choice.

Le Francais

J'ai regarde un film francais aujourd'hui sur la television.
Il s'appelle <>.

Sans les sous-titres, j'ai pres de rien compris.
Avec les sous-tires, j'ai pu un peu de dialogue comprendre.

Ca va dire quoi? Les quatres annees a la NUS ont servi a rien. Les

Fresh Air Fundraiser

This is a public service announcement.

Fresh Air Fundraiser 2009 was a success. The Fresh Air Fund team would like to thank all who contributed in one way or another that helped nearly 8000 children enjoy their best summer yet.

For more information, please log on to http://freshairfund-news.com/

Run, Wee Loon, Run

After Army-Half,
It's now Nike Human Race.

21, 10,
42 in December.

Maybe 84 in the coming years.

Why am I running?

I want to run.
Run away from it all.

If I run fast enough,
I might start flying.

My wings should never have been clipped.

Gogglebox

8 p.m. and the alarm went off.

Seated in front of the goggle box,

I rooted and I cheered

You appeared, beautiful and stunning.

Vroom, vroom, vroom

You go, girl!

Rule No. 5

Hope for the best,

Prepare for the worst.

Rekindling our roots

Yesterday, 4 friends sat down for a drink. 3 of them who used to take Chinese Literature decided to visit their roots in Chinese poetry.

高处不胜寒
独醉愁更愁
深渊难敌伤
自饮望灭亡

茶餐廳

This was written in November 2005. One of the few times I dabbled with poetry. Though it no longer means anything, it remains, in my opinion, one of my better pieces of work.


弱弱的風
亂亂的頭髮
暗暗的天
滿滿的烏雲
冷冷的茶
苦苦的咖啡

厚厚的筆記
重重的電腦
悶悶的感受
長長的考試
壞壞的朋友
煩煩的心情

動人的你
被動的我
不定的我們
傷心的你
遲鈍的我
無意的誤會
很多的感
太少的話
不當的表達

弱弱亂亂暗暗滿滿冷冷苦苦
厚厚重重悶悶長長壞壞煩煩

動人被動不定傷心遲鈍無意很多太少不當

傷

Hands Full

My hands are full,
of cigarettes and beer.

There is no place,
for a red pen.

Yet, a red pen,
funds the cigarettes and beer.

Let's go

I have been moderated. He did seem nice, a lot of pep talk before going in.

The moderation didn't start so well; Murphy's Law came true and the video I had prepared crashed right at the beginning. Luckily for me, I had been watching the video over and over before the lesson. So I was able to remember vaguely what was in it. As a result, I became the video.

The kids were helpful enough. Nobody asked to go to the toilet, fill their bottles nor sleep. Some tried to be helpful by being inquisitive, eager students though their questions did caught me kind of off guard and I wasn't able to answer all of them.

In the end, I think it turned out well, well enough to spare me the axe I hope.

Tomorrow's the last day of practicum. After 10 long weeks the end is finally in sight. More of this will eventually come, on 30 November 2009 when I report to the school permanently. But for now, the respite is welcomed.

The only thing I have to contend with tonight, and most of tomorrow, is the bag of scripts to mark. All 7 sets of them, comprising of mostly essays. Well, it's the last leg.

Nike. Just do it.

Moderator

Moderator, moderator, go away

Come again another day.

How about never?

He is coming, on Wednesday.

He phoned in last week.

Sounded benign enough.

Couldn't hold back the curiosity.

Googled for him on nieportal.

Looks benign enough.

Associate Prof Seow

Research interest:

English verb complementation
The teaching of writing in secondary schools
Curriculum development, Implementation and Evaluation
Computer-Assisted Assessment (CAA)

Hope he's not too hard to impress.

Welfare Tourism

I came across a new term this week, welfare tourism. I got it from an article in a local English paper. For fear of defamation charges, I will refrain from calling it a tabloid.

In it, it spoke of welfare tourism, which is something people from rich countries do to make their lives meaningful, and supposedly brings desperately needed help to people in poorer countries like places in Africa.

More information can be found in the Saturday issue.

The point is, to question ourselves, of our aims and objectives when we extend a helping hand. Who are we doing it for? Are there truly altruistic sacrifices for people we've never seen or heard of? Or are these community projects for the simple selfish reason of self-glorification and part of our ego- and resume-building exercise? Or is it something even simpler like the confirmation of our existence.

If it is the latter, should we then not engage in such activities? Or does the result justify the intention?

In the end, intention, means and end, which one is the guiding principle?

Calm

I feel a sense of peace.

Peace that hasn't been felt in a while.
But I also sense turbulence.
For under the cloak of calm,
there is trouble brewing.

Serenity, in my case, begets complacency.
Complacency begets inaction
Inaction begets crashing deadlines
Deadlines beget stress
Stress breaks calmness.

In the end, peace is its own undoing.

Saturday morning

I wanted to take a nap last night, before dinner. In the end the nap turned into a a long sleep and I woke up this morning after 14 hours.

Sorry guys I missed both parties, one at Zouk and one at BG. I hope you guys had fun.

I guess the week had gone past with too little sleep. I wasn't particularly tired but it just felt so good sleeping on and on. It was such a nice undisturbed sleep except for a message in between and a short dream of littleboy, though I can't remember what happened in the dream.

This morning I woke up with a strange sense of peace. This Saturday morning just feels so tranquil and beautiful. I went to the kitchen to grab a puff, standing at the window looking out, I heard nothing but the chirping of birds. I looked up at the cloudy sky and saw rays of light gradually coming through the ceiling of clouds.

Everything just seemed so right.

Self-improvement

In terms of self-improvement, I have been very active.

One look at my milestones show that I have been learning or doing something new almost every year since I finished high school. This year I got certified as a diver and a lifeguard. I also completed a half-marathon.

Such fulfilling life and I feel empty. So many skills but I'm doing something I'm not good at and getting into the deep end while doing it. Why don't I just grab a job that I am good at. Wait, what's that?

I have no real interest in anything. As a result I do everything. And I end up not being really good at anything. Well, that's to be expected since passion drives perfection. Lack of it means mediocrity.

There. Another day of self-loath and defeatism. As I write this entry I feel disgusted. I need to knock myself out of it. Maybe I can combine all my posts and publish a Singaporean male version of Bridget Jones' diary, though I never really got down to reading it. I was last at chapter one, I think.

What would be an alternate career choice? Is there a box for sloth?

Cloudy days

With the stupide moderation hanging over my head, every night and day has been a cloudy one.

At night, as I sit here planning lessons for the next day, I keep worrying that it's not good enough and I am going to screw up big time.

In the day, as I sit in the staff workroom with a good view of the school gate and general office, I keep looking up if there's any moderator-looking person walking towards me.

I think heaven is reflecting my mood as the nights and early mornings continue to smell of storm while it clears up in the afternoon after the teaching day is over. I have never wanted more to take an MC, except the past few weeks of course.

Then, it was because I was almost getting a moderator. Every night was spent thinking of getting into the good books of my bosses so that they wouldn't call one in. This week, it was because the moderator has been called in and I dread seeing him/ her in person.

What kind of person would it be? Strict? Kind? Someone I know, perhaps. How I wish. Maybe a bluff, likely a surprise visit.

I have been advised to put up a good show for the moderator; I do not want to, though I have to. It's such a lie. I don't like to pretend. My students are going to find it weird and so will I. How I wish I could just show them how I normally teach. If it's not good enough for the students, then maybe I really shouldn't be a teacher.

Passing the moderation with a show means to me, most of the time we are short-changing the students. Because if we are only good and effective teachers in a show, and we don't usually put on a show, then most of the time we are not really helping, no?

But I was told that even seasoned teachers cannot have a fantastic show all the time. Once in a blue moon we spice things up but usually it's the boring stuff; doesn't mean that we shouldn't spice things up when we can. Then have the moderator come in and see one of the boring shows. I have spiced things up enough for the CTs.

Why can't I just let the moderator see the usual stuff? Give the moderator a chance to help you. Show the extra effort to make it good so that there is some basis of defence, you say? Then fucking tell me when you are coming! I cannot spend the next two weeks coming up with ten fantastic shows in anticipation of your freaking arrival, Your Highness.

In addition to that, my time is ending for practicum. I have a ton of papers that I wish to go through with the students so that they know their mistakes and can actually learn from it. I cannot spend every night thinking of marvellous lessons and carrying out those lessons wishing that the moderator will step in that day.

Somebody's gotta carry out the shit part of boring old lessons going through assignments.

Please don't come - SURPRISE

I have yet to receive news on my moderation.

My friend suggested that it might be a bluff. Though the chances are low, I do sincerely hope that it is. But I expect the other extreme. It would be a surprise visit.

There are signs.
1) If it was a bluff, my sup did not have to ask me to resend my timetable. I wouldn't know that she has lost it.
2) I have been instructed to do a very good lesson for my HOD for the CPA lesson. They have specifically instructed that it needs to be good. In a way, that could be the lesson that the moderator is coming for. In addition, my supervisor didn't observe my CPA lesson. Since I have been having trouble with the EL dept, the CPA class could be my saving grace.
3) Assuming that the moderator is coming, the fact that I have received no news spells S-U-R-P-R-I-S-E all over it.
4) When I asked my sup when the moderator is coming, so that I could submit my lesson plans beforehand, she said, 'I'll let you know, anyway you should have the lesson plans ready right?' She continued, 'If they ask for it, you can just hand it over.'

IT HAS TO BE, YOU CHEEKY BASTARD. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO CALL IN THE MODERATOR? I KNOW I SUCK. BUT REALLY? THAT BAD? DAMN IT!

Blog

This is an add-on later. I thought I only spent 10 minutes, I blogged for an hour. Like how can time pass so fast! Like, what the hell.....

This is another of those incoherent and ranting blogs, that I have churned out in the past 10 minutes or so. Don't read it.
--------------------------------

I started this blog some years ago, hoping to share my life with my friends.

Then I started hoping that someone out there, preferably a stranger, or strangers, would read it. I hope that more so than my friends. Why? Because I am an attention seeker who can't handle the attention. What better way than to have a bunch of strangers give it to you since you are never ever going to see them.

But I would still like my friends to read SOME of the posts. It's a good way to keep each other updated on our lives since we can't always see each other. But in truth, only so many people read this blog. Still, you are important enough for me to keep it.

Then, there's the other problem. There are some things that I want to say that I sometimes find difficult to tell my friends to their face. But if I write it here, I kind of hope that they won't read it. Why? Because seriously, over the blog? What ever happened to courtesy, in the face and sincerity?

But, it's difficult. I may be 26, but I am very much just an over-grown adolescent. Not something that makes me mightily attractive, I know. More like loser with a capital L.

In addition, some things are better left unsaid. More than once, in fact many times, I have said too much. But I don't like to hold it in. But I cannot let it out. Honesty is the best policy, in case you don't know, that's motto number 4. But, as I grow up, I realised that that is applicable only in an alternative realm called my mind. In reality, honesty will get me into trouble. If it doesn't, it will still spoil a lot of things.

But you see, I am still an adolescent, so I tend to screw up a lot. So I tend to shoot my mouth off too, figuratively if not literally, like right here. I have no idea which of these posts will work against me, but I don't really want to take them down, even when I have thought of what might happen.

There, I've said it. I am a glutton for shit to happen. I just silently hope that they will have the desired effect of setting me free and setting things straight, positively.

Post-script: Like you know how employers are really good at looking up their employees' posts and how many teachers have gotten into trouble over blogs? I don't think I have written anything truly incriminating but you know, things are subjective. I might get hauled off to some tribunal right tomorrow.

Still I choose to ramble on and on. Like isn't this 'asking for it?' Get what I mean?

Post postscript: You read it.

Posts

I'm doing quite a bit of free writing, so they are not always coherent. Don't read if you can help it. But of course, any normal person would continue reading after seeing this line. We are cheap bastards.

It's nothing much except a pathetic little bit of my life. I am pathetic and I know it. So don't read the post or you'll change your views about me.

Why am I still posting it if I didn't really want to let you see it? You know, it's one of those 'I want you to know, or maybe, I don't' kind of thing.

So come on, let me hear you say it.WHATEVER.

O.K. Just so we are clear, the 'you' above is generic, the 'you' below is not. They are DIFFERENT.
-----------------------------------------

I love your posts.

You always find these amazing pictures that goes along so well. Pictures speak a thousand words they say. I tried looking for pictures that goes with my blogs too. They never turned out so well. FYI, I searched on Yahoo! and Google image. Did you take the pictures yourself, or are you just a better searcher than me?

I don't always get your posts. I am so out of your life, that I have no idea what you are talking about, who you are talking sometimes. I wish I know more. It's been three, four years since we've met. More than half the time I disappeared. I guess it's all my fault.

Plus, I am quite sure I screwed up big time. So big that I didn't think anything is possible anymore. But I still like you. And I am holding on to this remote idea that I have no idea where I found it, that I might still have a chance. So, everyday I would log on to the Internet and take a look at your blog, just to know how you are doing. I would sometimes look at your facebook to see what you've been up to. No worries, I am no stalker. It just comes with liking you.

I would text you sometimes and hope you would reply. Sometimes, after I text you I would look at the phone just to see if you've replied. The replies come only half the time. Then comes the part where I wonder if you are just busy, or you are thinking, 'this dude's not worth my time.'

But you see, I cannot ask you. Or maybe I should. But I never believed in people being obligated to reply texts. I don't sometimes. Plus, it's not as if we've got something on. So far, everything's only been a figment of my imagination. It would be too pushy, not to say freaky, even I would think so, if I send texts asking you why you didn't reply the last text.

Of course, I never really said anything. Except that one fateful night 4 years ago. You might not remember, though I always think girls remember everything. Plus there are things I would like to forget too.

So like I said, everything is a figment of my imagination and I imagined too much.

Moderation

Somewhere along the writing of this entry, I lost track of what I wanted to say. It's incoherent and inconclusive, and basically just ranting.

But, I didn't want to delete it. I think I'll get some 'awww...', 'are you ok?', 'jiayou', yada yada yada...

I'm just attracting attention. I am an attention seeker that cannot stand the attention.
---------------------------------
Moderation is kind of my guiding principle in life; not too much, not too little, just nice and everything will be great.

In fact, I think I am a little too moderate, in all areas of my life.

In many areas where people strive and do their best, I hobble along, happy with blending into the masses. But I also kept up the pace, so I was never the one to be singled out for poor performance.

It's a trait that I reproach myself for sometimes, whenever I feel that I may be able to achieve more, or when I see others, sometimes friends, who are not content with what fate deals them and who fights to enjoy every moment, however difficult. However, I turn around and find myself doing it over and over. Such is the uselessness that I feel, content to remain quiet and hunched, as long as life moves along without any problem.

I never make enemies, nor do I truly fight. If there's a way to let it dissolve away, just let it be.

When it comes to making things happen, I never truly for things that I want to. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

If you are blinded by my acts, you'd think that I have been enlightened beyond my years, almost to a state of Zenly existence. In truth, fear, laziness, indifference, weakness are more suitable adjectives. I believe most people are able to see through it, I am only fool others for so long. But, I managed to fool myself quite often.

So that's my motto, moderation. Do what is enough, but not too much. Too much of everything is not good.

But now moderation has come back to haunt me. I never wished to avoid the word as I do now. Doing enough, has become insufficient. As my other has come back to haunt me together; everything is subjective. My enough and others' enough are not the same. So in fact, acting moderately has caused me to fail badly.

I will be moderated. Me, who epitomises moderation, has to be moderated. What irony. In addition, apparently two's not enough company. My other motto has decided to join in the fun, seeing how the other two is having so much fun.

Self-pity is intolerable. I have a pretty good listening ear. Many people, some friends, some acquaintances, like to pour out their troubles to me; and I like to listen. It's the little I can do. But there is a difference between getting it out, sorting it out, moving on and making it better, and incessant complaints, blaming the world, resigning to fate, self-defeatist behaviour. If I hear any more of those, I'd kill myself, or at least that is what I sometimes think when people pour out their troubles in the latter manner.

Recently, I sometimes find myself thinking that way. Yes, three's a crowd and I think the last one really shouldn't come along. I mean, Being too moderate and failing, I can deal with. It's possibly a blessing in disguise. I might, finally after 26 years, kick-start my engine and take the world. Subjectivity, I can deal with. As long as I stop being moderate and try my very best, too bad for whoever expects better. I can only please so many people, myself included.

But really, the last one? When number three comes along, the world stands still. What's the point? Fuck it! I don't want to do this anymore! I should just kill myself and save all the trouble. It makes everything and anything difficult. I just want to sleep it away.

I think I'm depressed. I just read about male midlife crisis and depression in Reader's Digest. Wait, I'm only at quarter-life.

Stress

I usually delete chain mails; but this one, I kept.

A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience,

Raised a glass of water and asked
'How heavy is this glass of water?'

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long you try to hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.'

He continued,
'And that's the way it is with stress management.
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,
As the burden becomes increasingly heavy,
We won't be able to carry on. '

'As with the glass of water,
You have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.
When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.'
'So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.

Whatever burdens you're carrying now,
Let them down for a moment if you can.'
So, my friend, Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
And some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet,
Just in case you have to eat them.

* Drive carefully.. It's not only cars that can be
"Recalled" by their maker....

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
It was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
Because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well..
Just get up and dance.

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way,
You're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you.
The more you have, the longer you live..

* You may be only one person in the world,
But you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today... I did .

Army Half-Marathon

I ran the AHM today and I did it in about three hours.

An average timing for an average runner. I came back with aches all over and a headache.

I did well, I guess, for someone who almost didn't train at all. I had wanted to finish it without walking at all but I was too tired to do that. I only slept 3 hours the night before.

I almost didn't go this morning. Going for the run had many repercussions; I needed the rest and time for work. It also meant I was pretty exhausted afterwards. I am supposed to be putting my work as priority, given that it is not going very well for me now.

The positives was the much-needed workout and a new medal of completion. If only I was good enough to be a full-time runner, or athlete of some sort, it would probably be way better than what I am doing now.

End

This is not working.

More than once each day, I think about quitting, when I can possibly find the money to pay the liquidated damages, how this is not what I want to do, how bad I am at this teaching job.

I have problems coming up with what to teach and how to teach. I get headaches and I haven't slept properly for a long time.

Why did I get myself into this predicament of no return.

And all this while, I should be focusing on churning out the work. All these distractions are not helping and it just ends up in a vicious cycle.

Even if I somehow manage to scrape through these 10 weeks, there's still 3 years to go.

I want to sleep. And never wake up again. The end is nowhere near.

The Pledge

We, the citizens of Singapore,
Pledge ourselves as one united people.
Regardless of race, language or religion,
To build a democratic society,
Based on justice and equality.
So as to achieve happiness, prosperity
And progress for our nation.

我們是新家坡公民。
誓願不分種族、言語、宗教，
團結一致，建設公政、平等的民主社會。
并為實現國家之幸福、繁榮与進步，
共同努力。

It's ending

Week 6 is over.
I'm more than halfway there.
Hang in there.

Happy Birthday, Singapore

44 years, Our country is middle-age. I wish to wish it 'Happy Birthday'.

It's a day worth celebrating, because it marks the day that we became independent. However, I didn't always feel this way. It was important to me because it was a holiday. That was it.

It's the same now for the students. To them, according to my observations, National Day means nothing more than daily droning of songs over the PA system, pointless and time-wasting activities like Recollection, and making red and white paper hearts.

Like it was to me, National Day means nothing than an additional day of holiday.

je suis malchanceux. Parmis tous les enseignants de l'Anglais, ma mentor est la plus stricte.

Aujourd'hui, une certaine personne m'a dit qu'elle a pense de me souligner comme un cas d'echec. J'ai une derniere chance de faire mes preuves la semaine prochaine.

Quel con!

Aujourd'hui, J'ai pres de rate une observation par une de mes mentors.

Elle est une femme agee. Je me sens comme un adolescent autour d'elle. Elle me fait peur, comme mes enseignants anciens.

Par consequences, je ne la rencontre pas assez souvent et elle ne m'aime pas.

J'espere qu'elle n'est pas particulierement contre moi, mais je sais qu'elle est particulierement stricte avec moi.

Elle me suggere qu'il est peut-etre mieux que je repense mon choix de travail ou de sujet d'enseignement.

NYC Half-Marathon

The NYC Half-Marathon is a fundraiser organised by The Fresh Air Fund.

It is a a not-for-profit agency based in the Big Apple whose aim is to "provide free summer experiences" to kids growing up in the city.

A range of programs brings the city children to places across the U.S and Canada to get away from the typical city smog.

Last year's half-marathon managed to raise more than USD125,000. This year, they are still looking for donors and volunteers to join their Fund-racer team.

For more information, visit the organisation's website @ http://www.freshair.org/the-fresh-air-fund.aspx.

They welcome volunteers, host families, donors, children, and referrals.

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by yours truly at the request of Sara Wilson from The Fresh Air Fund.

Ca fait trop

Pour les dernieres semaines, j'ai dormi moins que 3 heures par nuit sauf les weekends.

Tous les jours, je faisais mes travaux. Toutes les nuits, je faisais mes travaux.

Chaque soir, je rentre dans une condition tres fatiguee. Je me repose un peu dans la salle de sejour et je m'endors involontairement. Chaque nuit, je m'empeche de dormir.

Tous les lundis, j'attend avec l'impatience l'arrive des weekends. Tous les dimanches, je prie que le lundi ne vient jamais.

La vie ne tient rien a mon coeur, sauf peut-etre toi, et toi, et toi, et toi, et toi, et toi, et toi. Il est pour ces gens que je me reveille tous les matins, meme j'attend rien d'eux.

S'ils n'existent pas, je m'en fous de la vie. Je m'en fous du travail. Je m'en fous de tous.

It has begun

And so the holidays ended as quickly as it had begun.

So I report to a new institution with new colleagues.

Then the practicum begins.

Now I hope it ends just as quickly.

Here's to ten weeks of lesson plans.

Students, observations, mentors and supervisor.

And not forgetting the Swine Flu.

Or the H1N1 virus as it is now called.

I was once told, to keep a life, outside of this life.

Let not the one life be the only life.

But I am already feeling the effect.

Of the Z Monster as early as 8pm.

This routine is so different from that,

Which I have been used to and always enjoyed.
The one where night is day and day is night.
Where the silence of the darkness is louder than the noise of the light.

Cabaret

Today I went to watch a musical at L'Alliance Francaise de Singapour.

I was invited by Pan Pan who was performing in the musical titled "Cabaret." It was a french musical, no less.

I am really impressed by her courage. For most people, or at least the ones I know, myself included, the idea of performing in a play would be daunting enough. She, however, went one step further by doing in a whole new language. It was performed by Pan and her classmates at L'Alliance Francaise. Their teacher had come up with a method of learning French through theatre and this was their final work.

I have to admit, j'ai peu compris. Although we were given a translation of the dialogues, we couldn't read it while the musical was going on as the theatre was dimmed. The various accents of the Spanish, Chinese, Indian and Vietnamese performers didn't help.

Still, we had a great laugh at the melodramatic and fumbles of some of the actors and actresses. And no matter how it turned out, I think they did a great job. I wouldn't be able to perform anywhere as well. Perhaps better pronunciation. Pan was one the few that really spoke like the French. The rest were still pretty raw.

The most enjoyable part of the show, has to be the songs. So many well known hits, including Edith Piaf's "Je ne regrette rien." Gotta love it.

Dayang 12 - 15th June 2009

Dive trip:1

Location: Pulau Dayang

Date: 12 - 15 June 2009

Number of dives: 5

Dive 1

Depth: 8.5m

R.T.: N.A

B.T.: 40 mins

The first dive ever underwater. We went through the drills of rigging up the equipment. 1 week after the pool session where we only did a minimal run-through of rigging up, I had almost forgotten everything.

Luckily the instructors were on hand to help with some reminders. After we were all ready, we stepped into the water one by one. As this was our first dive, we weren't allowed to do a free descent. Instead, the instructors had the trainees hold on to a descent line.

The max depth was only 8.5 metres. As we needed a place to test our drills underwater, we were brought to a shallow site with a seabed that resembled a desert. There were some corals left, but mostly, there were only debris, remains of corals trampled by repeated batches of open water learner divers.

All in all, this first dive took around 40 minutes. Much of the time was spent on demonstrating what we had learned in the pool out here one by one. As was the case during the pool session, the seven drills of exhaling without regulator, purging regulator, half-mask clearing, full mask clearing, mask retrieval, two methods of regulator retrieval were easily performed.

With some time left, Freddie the instructor told us to experience pivoting. It's basically lying face down on the seabed and try moving the upper body using just inhalation and exhalation. This was sort of a prelude to achieving neutral buoyancy.

Dive 2

Depth: 15.1m

R.T.: 11 mins

B.T.: 23 mins

Dive 2 was half leisure half practice since most of the drills were done during the first dive. Sadly things didn't go so well.

Firstly I had some trouble with mask clearing. As I was clearing my mask, I closed my eyes and finned continuously so as to not step on the corals below me. As I open my eyes after clearing, I noticed that I had ascended several metres. Fortunately we were still at a shallow depth and this did not cause any problems with regards to DCS or lung-expansion injuries.

Then I got split up with the group. I saw my dive buddy ascend and wasn't sure what to do. As the instructor signalled for me to level off, I misunderstood it as staying put. After a while I realised that I was alone. At this moment I noticed another group of trainees not far away and decided to join them. My unexpected gatecrashing led to some surprises as the instructor Noel asked me to stay with his group after surfacing to discuss with Freddie.

After I surfaced, I was told that my group had surfaced because two divers felt sick and were unable to continue. I felt bad because in a sense I did not take care of my buddy and had lost her. If this was a leisure dive with no instructor, the result might have been fatal. Dive buddies must always stay with and take care of each other. It was an important lesson.

Dive 3

Depth: 10m

R.T.: 37 mins

B.T.: 22 mins

The third and last dive of the day started off well. Having switched back to my original buddy, we basically swam around taking in the sights. After all the drama from the previous dive, we finally got some time to relax and just enjoy. Visibility was quite bad, though we still managed to managed to see some big fishes, particularly one that looked like a gigantic "Luo Han."

However, half way through the dive, my buddy felt sick again. He started ascending very quickly and I had to pull him back. Even in his discomfort it was potentially dangerous to surface quickly. Before I knew it, he vomited in my face. Luckily we were in the water and the stuff dispersed before it hit me. I quickly turned around hoping to inform the instructor of this predicament. But as we were lagging behind due to his discomfort, the instructor was too far in front for me to be able to inform him while Boon kept ascending. At that split second, I was at a loss. Should I leave him just for a while to inform the instructor or should I stay with him and go up.

Remembering the previous dive, I decided to stay with him. As we surfaced I tried to get him to do a safety stop of staying at 5 metres for 3 minutes, but he was too sick to do it. In the end we went straight up to the surface. After we surfaced I accompanied him and we swam to the boat waiting for us. Making sure that he was fine, I tried to descend to search for the instructor and the other two other trainees. Yet visibility was too poor and I had no choice but to surface and wait.

Soon after Freddie, Lydia and William surfaced. Freddie was glad that we were fine and told us that we gave him a serious fright when he turned around and found two divers missing. In the end, we were just glad that everyone was O.K and Freddie made sure he'd inform us of the lost buddy drill.

Dive 4

Depth: 15m

R.T.: N.A

B.T. 33 mins

After an eventful first day, we were all hoping that the second day would be better with the much needed rest. As we were in a little rush for time, the second day started out early as we were on the jetty ready to go as dawn was just breaking.

With all the problems of the previous day, we were left with one last drill yet to be completed; the Emergency Buoyant Ascent. This drill was left to the end of the dive as we began our leisure dives.

It was uneventful in the positive sense as we basically swam around just looking at fishes and corals. The most interesting part would have to be the encounter with a Trigger Fish. It's a fish that is highly territorial and is well-known to attack the odd diver that trespasses into its area. It took a bite of Lydia's fins as we tried to remove ourselves from its home.

As we moved around, Freddie tried to look for a suitable spot for the EBA drill. When we finally found a bald patch of the seabed, we carried out the drill one by one, surfacing and staying up since this was near the end of the dive. I was the last one to go up. As I waited for my turn, I used the opportunity to try out the "Seating Buddha." It's a maneuver whereby we sit cross-legged while floating in the water. Using breathing techniques as well as a perfectly inflated BC, this maneuver can only be achieved when neutral buoyancy is attained. That is to say you basically hover at a level, moving up and down only slightly, in tune with your breathing.

I was incredibly happy when I succeeded in attaining nirvana. Neutral buoyancy is an important skill in diving as it allows us to dive without having the need to fin continuously, saving energy, effort and most importantly the corals because one wouldn't run the danger of sinking and damaging the corals in a moment of concentration loss.

Then it was my turn to perform the EBA. It all went well until the last part when I forgot to manually inflate the BC at the surface. But other than this minor glitch, it was the best dive up to this point.

Dive 5

Depth: 18m

R.T.: 24 mins

B.T.: 36 mins

A check of on the dive table would reveal that our final dive of the trip and course surpassed the allowed no-decompression limits. Fortunately, using a dive computer allowed us to maximise our diving time.

The dive started out with one of the biggest bloopers of this trip; we left my dive buddy on land as we took the boat out to the dive site. I felt horrible. Though I didn't lose a buddy in the waters, somehow I managed to leave him out of the dive altogether. So much for lesson learnt. Luckily we only just moved off when we realised that he was missing so we went back for him.

With all drills truly finished, and most of the dives in shallower depth, Freddie told us that he would bring us to the maximum depth possible for open water divers. As we entered the water, we realised that the last dive was going to be slightly more difficult as we were experiencing strong currents both on the surface and, likely, under the water as well.

Still, other the hiccup at the beginning, the experience of the previous dive was still fresh as we looked forward to another great dive. By now we had been doing free descents and this dive was the same. After we descended to the bottom we started swimming around. We followed the gradient of the seabed and gradually descended deeper into the waters.

All the while, I was trying to attained neutral buoyancy but to no avail. Most attention was spent on trying not to hit the corals and following the instructor. I didn't lose out on much as it turned out, at a depth of 18 metres, the seabed was like desert, with some corals spread out sporadically, but mainly just sand and nothing else.

Then we realised what Freddie had meant when he said that he preferred diving at a shallower depth. Even so, the experience was worthwhile as we stay as long as the amount of air allowed us to, including having a safety stop. When we surfaced, I only had 30 bars of air left. That was almost an empty tank.

With that we concluded our first dive trip and open water course.