Moderation

Somewhere along the writing of this entry, I lost track of what I wanted to say. It's incoherent and inconclusive, and basically just ranting.

But, I didn't want to delete it. I think I'll get some 'awww...', 'are you ok?', 'jiayou', yada yada yada...

I'm just attracting attention. I am an attention seeker that cannot stand the attention.
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Moderation is kind of my guiding principle in life; not too much, not too little, just nice and everything will be great.

In fact, I think I am a little too moderate, in all areas of my life.

In many areas where people strive and do their best, I hobble along, happy with blending into the masses. But I also kept up the pace, so I was never the one to be singled out for poor performance.

It's a trait that I reproach myself for sometimes, whenever I feel that I may be able to achieve more, or when I see others, sometimes friends, who are not content with what fate deals them and who fights to enjoy every moment, however difficult. However, I turn around and find myself doing it over and over. Such is the uselessness that I feel, content to remain quiet and hunched, as long as life moves along without any problem.

I never make enemies, nor do I truly fight. If there's a way to let it dissolve away, just let it be.

When it comes to making things happen, I never truly for things that I want to. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

If you are blinded by my acts, you'd think that I have been enlightened beyond my years, almost to a state of Zenly existence. In truth, fear, laziness, indifference, weakness are more suitable adjectives. I believe most people are able to see through it, I am only fool others for so long. But, I managed to fool myself quite often.

So that's my motto, moderation. Do what is enough, but not too much. Too much of everything is not good.

But now moderation has come back to haunt me. I never wished to avoid the word as I do now. Doing enough, has become insufficient. As my other has come back to haunt me together; everything is subjective. My enough and others' enough are not the same. So in fact, acting moderately has caused me to fail badly.

I will be moderated. Me, who epitomises moderation, has to be moderated. What irony. In addition, apparently two's not enough company. My other motto has decided to join in the fun, seeing how the other two is having so much fun.

Self-pity is intolerable. I have a pretty good listening ear. Many people, some friends, some acquaintances, like to pour out their troubles to me; and I like to listen. It's the little I can do. But there is a difference between getting it out, sorting it out, moving on and making it better, and incessant complaints, blaming the world, resigning to fate, self-defeatist behaviour. If I hear any more of those, I'd kill myself, or at least that is what I sometimes think when people pour out their troubles in the latter manner.

Recently, I sometimes find myself thinking that way. Yes, three's a crowd and I think the last one really shouldn't come along. I mean, Being too moderate and failing, I can deal with. It's possibly a blessing in disguise. I might, finally after 26 years, kick-start my engine and take the world. Subjectivity, I can deal with. As long as I stop being moderate and try my very best, too bad for whoever expects better. I can only please so many people, myself included.

But really, the last one? When number three comes along, the world stands still. What's the point? Fuck it! I don't want to do this anymore! I should just kill myself and save all the trouble. It makes everything and anything difficult. I just want to sleep it away.

I think I'm depressed. I just read about male midlife crisis and depression in Reader's Digest. Wait, I'm only at quarter-life.