Cloudy days

With the stupide moderation hanging over my head, every night and day has been a cloudy one.

At night, as I sit here planning lessons for the next day, I keep worrying that it's not good enough and I am going to screw up big time.

In the day, as I sit in the staff workroom with a good view of the school gate and general office, I keep looking up if there's any moderator-looking person walking towards me.

I think heaven is reflecting my mood as the nights and early mornings continue to smell of storm while it clears up in the afternoon after the teaching day is over. I have never wanted more to take an MC, except the past few weeks of course.

Then, it was because I was almost getting a moderator. Every night was spent thinking of getting into the good books of my bosses so that they wouldn't call one in. This week, it was because the moderator has been called in and I dread seeing him/ her in person.

What kind of person would it be? Strict? Kind? Someone I know, perhaps. How I wish. Maybe a bluff, likely a surprise visit.

I have been advised to put up a good show for the moderator; I do not want to, though I have to. It's such a lie. I don't like to pretend. My students are going to find it weird and so will I. How I wish I could just show them how I normally teach. If it's not good enough for the students, then maybe I really shouldn't be a teacher.

Passing the moderation with a show means to me, most of the time we are short-changing the students. Because if we are only good and effective teachers in a show, and we don't usually put on a show, then most of the time we are not really helping, no?

But I was told that even seasoned teachers cannot have a fantastic show all the time. Once in a blue moon we spice things up but usually it's the boring stuff; doesn't mean that we shouldn't spice things up when we can. Then have the moderator come in and see one of the boring shows. I have spiced things up enough for the CTs.

Why can't I just let the moderator see the usual stuff? Give the moderator a chance to help you. Show the extra effort to make it good so that there is some basis of defence, you say? Then fucking tell me when you are coming! I cannot spend the next two weeks coming up with ten fantastic shows in anticipation of your freaking arrival, Your Highness.

In addition to that, my time is ending for practicum. I have a ton of papers that I wish to go through with the students so that they know their mistakes and can actually learn from it. I cannot spend every night thinking of marvellous lessons and carrying out those lessons wishing that the moderator will step in that day.

Somebody's gotta carry out the shit part of boring old lessons going through assignments.