Of mentalities, ambitions, world views and interests

There are many things to iron out.
I know now is not the time.
I am not saying or asking for anything.
This just happens to be the thoughts that came to mind when you said that we are so different.

What does it take for two to come together?
Should they be the same?

If we seek to find someone like us,
Would we be the best mate for ourselves?

I never thought that we could only be together,
if we are like each other.

We should be different.
We are two different people after all.
I don't want you to become me,
And I certainly do not wish to become you.

We should have different ambitions.
You want to study and I want to fly.
I actually want to study too,
Though I don't know if you want to fly.

But I would use my flying to support your study.
Therein lies the beauty.
When two people come together, it is not about being or becoming the same.
It is about being true to self and support the other in whatever the other wants.

I know we have different interests.
I also know we have same interests.

We both love riding,
So let's ride together.
I may have never ridden dirt before,
But I think it's gonna be a lot of fun.

I don't know you all that well,
But if there's something you do that I don't.
Would you please, for my sake, show me the world?
Just like how I now like some of Tori Amos' songs.

If I still don't like it, you go on ahead.
I'll be waiting for you at home.

I would do the same.
If there's something I do that you don't.
I'd love to show you my world.
If it's not your cup of tea,
I'll be right back.

We view the world differently,
Because we have seen the world differently.
I want to know what you think,
Because I think my view of the world is quite narrow.
Would you, for my sake, enlighten me?

I wouldn't say your view is wrong.
Maybe we just see things differently.
Our views may converge,
or they may stay different.
I think it's all right.

We can agree to disagree.
Isn't that what you do in school?
Nothing is truly the absolute way.
As long as we back up what we state,
With thorough understanding and evidence.
We are entitled to our views.

Of course, things can't all be different.
How can two person ever get along if everything is different.
No matter big or small,
We have to meet somewhere.

You wouldn't want to live with a slob.
You wouldn't want to be the one doing all the housework,
while I sit down and have a coffee.
You wouldn't want a very successful person that brings home the dough but is never around.
You wouldn't want a person that talks to you and tells you what to do like you can't think for yourself, because you are a very smart woman.

For two people to be together, they at least have to want to be together.
Where it matters, but they are different, they compromise.
Where it doesn't matter that much, one can give in to the other.

I am a fool.
Sometimes I am not that sensitive,
But I do know that I want to be with you,
And it's not because of the baby.

Where I can, I will give in.
Where I can't, I will explain.
Though I think you don't agree,
But I think, for most things in life, I am very easy-going.
I have a few broad ideas, but for the most part, the nitty-gritty isn't that big of a problem.

But if you don't agree, I'll be happy to listen.
I just hope that I can explain myself without sounding defensive.
And we can talk without being agitated.
And no, I mean us, not picking on you.

Stopper

There are many complications.
But there are many solutions.
Some of them are not the best.
But they work.

What's stopping them?
You are.
You are the one making all the decisions now.

I know the circumstances are such.
But there are ways out.
You refuse to take them.

You are sick and I can't do anything.
I can do many things.
I can come over and take care of you.
I can bring you to the doctor.

You don't let me.
I can go against your objections.
And you will hate me more.

You are not stuck.
You don't want to budge.
There is always an excuse.

But if you really want to.
Nobody can stop you.
You are so headstrong in everything.
Including plunging deeper into depression.
Grounding yourself more and more.

Nobody will ever be able to pull you out.
When you don't let him.
It's not that I can't do anything.
You won't let me.

You keep saying things are bad and getting worse.
If staying still is getting worse.
Take the step and go.

But, no.
You refuse to.

Conflict

I would like to apologise, for repeatingly asking for that little hug and that little kiss.

I sometimes forget, and I yearn for that intimacy. I know you are suffering from a lot of discomfort, hence the apology. It's just one of those little things that I love. You don't have to sleep with me, intimacy can be simple, but even that is not possible.

I realised that this blog is getting more and more schizophrenic. One minute the posts are all accepting and understanding, the next they are angry and frustrated.

It is just how things are. On my good days, I understand what is going on. I see the possibilities and the impossibilities. I accept my mistakes and bear the consequences. I take in what cannot be controlled and wished for and let things go.

On some days, it's just bad. I yearn for you so much, frustration takes hold. Jealousy fills the mind and imagination runs wild. Desires take over and fear takes hold.

The future is so bleak in outlook. Doubts and questions keeps popping up. Stalemate in the situation is simply exasperating.

It seems like I have so much to lose. Yet at the same time, what I have to lose is not mine to begin with.

Today was a good day

Today was a good day.

I still didn't get to see baby
I doubt I ever will
Even though you said 'Yes u will'.
It doesn't change the fact that you wrote 'Mirza Anuar' in the husband column
And I look nothing like a 'Mirza', thankfully.
And you do not to have more talking points.

It didn't help that he sent you to the clinic.
Invading that one last area where his mark had not been left.
And you're probably going show him baby's photos when you get back.
And be all nice and happy, like he's yours, instead of ours.

But...

You showed up.
All pretty and made up.
Because we were going out.
So easily pleased I am.

We were finally going out.
No excuses, no rain checks.
Even if it's because you were already out.

Some words were exchanged.
But no serious arguments.
It seems I might have found something that could work.
When I make comments and remarks that upset you.
Stop talking, cool down.
Something so simple.

You were constantly uncomfortable.
Sorry I couldn't do much about that.
But other than that, I felt we had a good day.

It might be boring for you.
We only shopped and had lunch.

But it was still a good day for me.

One day the heart will die

This all started with your trip today.
I hate it, but too bad I don't have a car.
It's not a date you say.
Well, I don't care.
The fact is you were with him the whole day.

With me, there's always an excuse.
To go out, it's too uncomfortable.
To come over, it's too far.
To sit down outside, your back hurts.

But you can go out for hours on your own.
You can go to Melaka for the whole day.
you can withstand anything, as long as it's not with me.
You get driven up the wall everyday,
but hey, not driven enough apparently since you can still refuse to get out.

I am unhappy, angry, frustrated.
But I can't do shit or say shit.
Because I have destroyed your life.

I get so saddened that I just want to leave.
I want to let things go.
But I can't.
Cause you would just say 'yes'.
It's like you know you have me eating out of your hand.
You know I won't.
I may act out a little but I would come crawling back.
It's simply because you don't care about me as much as I care about you.

Yea I changed things for you.
Yea your life will never be the same because of shit I've done.
But I also give you the way out.
You just refuse to take it.
Your dignity's gone and you get dirt.
Well my life ain't a bed of roses.
I too have my dignity.
Being at your beck and call ain't very dignified.
Acting like a thief ain't very dignified.
Being blamed for every fuck shit ain't very dignified.

It's like you said, 'You don't know what the anger's about'
Well neither do I.
I'm not even sure what it's about now.
I'm so confused.

But I don't like the way things are going, that much I know.
I tried to do something about it but it didn't work.
Now I put up with it.
But my patience has a limit.
When it hits, sorry if I turn and walk.

I love you and I want to be with you.
Too bad, we don't share the same view.
I try to make things better.
Sorry it ain't good enough for you.
But there's only so much I can do.
And I am sick of the excuses you give me.

I am ready to be here for you, for the baby,
for your dreams, for your life.
But if that's not what you want,
it's your loss.

I ain't gonna sit around, watching you 'be cordial'.
I've said this too many times, even I'm sick of hearing it.
It's between me or nothing?
Looks like you've chosen nothing, cause you sure didn't pick me.

Letter to father

You'll need to break to dad at some point; so I think we should start drafting the speech. We are special, we are able to see things from people's point and accept who they are. Father might be able to take this as well as we are so we need to break this to him nicely and not give the old man a heart attack.

This will have to do till we can think of something better.

Dear Father,

You know that grandson I told you you are going to have? Can you, you know, kind of forget about that?

The thing is, you see, when I slept with his mother, she was still married. She was going to get a divorce but me getting her knocked up kind of destroyed her plans. She is still going through with it but it might take a little longer than it was originally planned.

I could have brought her out and give her another place to stay and raise the child but you know, I am poor, like you. I can't give her a nice big place nor ferry her around in a car so that's not really helping things. I can't even let her complete her studies without worries.

Then there's the other thing. I know that everybody wants to invite her into the family and all but it's kind of a two way situation? She doesn't really want to join us? She's had some really bad experiences with families and I don't think she wants to be out of the fire and go right into a frying pan, a totally different Chinese one for that matter.

I told her she doesn't have to and she can be left alone and we can even leave here. I thank you father, for not objecting at all about me possibly running off to some faraway land, but you see, there's a third thing. She kind of hates me now really, for getting her pregnant. Whatever I say now is nonsense and whatever I do is wrong, so I don't think she would even want to stay with me, in all sense of the word?

So, with her remaining married for the stability and dignity, and her not wanting to be with me even if she's not married anymore, and her perceived incompatibility with families, and lastly her association of me with all things negative, it is highly unlikely that you will have your grandson after he's born.

Sorry dad.

Yours regretfully,
Wee Loon

Change

Dear Wee Loon,

You know what your problem is? Your problem is you're a wuss.

I don't know what happened to you but you didn't use to be like this. Somewhere down the road, maybe you read one too many sob story or watched one too many chick flicks. Or maybe you just met the wrong kind of girls, but you've gotten soft.

Now you're just like a girl trapped in a man's body; all sensitive and touchy-feely.

Maybe that's what she was talking about - that's your character flaw. Sob sob sob yah-dah yah-dah yah-dah blah blah blah. All this talk about hurt and pain and whatnots.

One word - Eew.

There's a difference, man, between being the nice guy and showing some TLC, and being a wuss who whines more than a chick.

At the moment, you sound more like the latter. So it's time to man up, or you'll lose all the charm and the chick.

Yours sincerely,
Wee Loon

Destruction

What do you do when you completely, utterly, and forever destroyed a person's life?

Firstly, you apologise. But what if apologies do not cut it? 'Sorry' is just a word. It will not make a difference to the person whose life was destroyed. It does not make things better.

Then you try to make things better. But what if there is no making things better? You may try all you want, all you can. But there's no turning the pages of time. What is done has been done. You may think you are making things better, but your better means little, if not nothing, to the affected party.

Then you repent. The saying did go, 'Repent and all will be forgiven.' Try telling that to the person whose life was destroyed. No amount of repentance will change the fact that things will be different, that the life will never be the same again.

You may, and you should, learn from your mistakes, to never repeat it again. While it may make a difference to the next person that comes along, but this one has already been destroyed. No amount of learning will help.

So what can you do? Doing nothing is not an option. Neither is trying your best, because your best will never be enough.

You can only take all the abuse in the world, and do whatever is required of you, even if it cost you your life. And even so, it will still never be good enough.

Even if your own life is in disarray, at least you have yourself to blame. At least you are suffering the consequences of your own stupidity. But what about the other party. An innocent person has to suffer for your mistakes; a suffering that she is not even responsible for.

So save your bullshit and just await your just punishment; You have no right, you have nothing.

And even that, will not bring justice.

Fatherhood

'It's not up to me, it's up to my bank account.'

I know it's not up to you, because it's even further for me.

I feel like a sperm donor, albeit an unsolicited and very much hated one. Nothing is up to me. Up to this point, I have naming rights, paying rights and visitation rights.

I feel that I don't have a say in anything else about baby. From the way things go, I won't have a say in where baby lives, how baby is brought up. I am not getting ready for baby's birth, I am not buying baby's stuff. I might not even be around to take care of baby.

You said that baby would know who his biological father is. I am afraid that's all that I will be: the biological father.

Being the father is not just being related by blood. But I'm sorry, I am not presentable enough, nor rich enough, nor good enough to decide what's good for baby.

As I make my way home, MJ's song took on a whole new meaning for: 'Billie Jean's not my lover, she's just a girl who said I am the one. The kid is not my son.'

It's not my son, not when I can't say anything.

Anger

'But i dunno if the reason y i find it hard to open up to u is bec of the anger or you hell i dn even know if the anger has anything to do with what about u hold me back.'

I don't know what to make of it when I saw this message.

Should I be happy that you are not really angry about me holding you back? Or should I be unhappy because that would at least meant that we would be happy together if I hadn't held you back.

When did you start finding it hard to open up to me? Is it when I was having all these demands about being together? Or was it way back even before you found out that you were pregnant?

But I guess it'll be hard to turn back your thoughts towards me. Now that I am ingrained in your mind to be associated with all that is bad and causing you pain and sadness.

If only I didn't knock you up, you would be able to run away. You would not be stuck in this. You wouldn't be treated badly. Nobody could judge you. You would only be responsible for yourself. Your plans would be intact and in place.

Just because of all these I can understand why you don't want to and cannot open up to me. It may not be about me but it does put you in a place where you are more vulnerable than ever.

And worse, I can't even clean up the mess for you, because I can't give you better. And as the days go by, it seems like you're further and further away from better. If only you were not pregnant, a cheap and small place wouldn't be a problem. If only you weren't pregnant, you wouldn't need to at least be comfortable. If only you weren't pregnant, you wouldn't have to give up all the things you wanted and had for 'a fuckin baby'.

And no, love is not enough to make these things better. We can't survive on love. Those things only happen in the movies.

Reply to self

Dear Wee Loon,

I know how it looks but I believe some things are real.

Letter to self

Dear Wee Loon,

What are you doing?

I think you've watched one too many chick flicks, bro. Well this is not one of them, and hence there will be no fairy tale ending.

Seriously, man. Get a life. First up, stop sitting there waiting for her to be free, waiting for her to want to go out with you, waiting for her to want to spend time with you. Isn't it obvious enough that she doesn't want to? The only reason why she still hangs out with you is to 'keep things cordial', just like what she is doing with him, or so she says.

She has to keep things nice because you're the stupid bastard that knocked her up and made her life more difficult than it already was. At least this way you're be around to pay for your mistakes, in all sense of the word, and she won't be left alone to pick up your mess.

Secondly, you were the stupid bastard, now you're just stupid. This is not the first girl you've loved and definitely not the first one that doesn't love you back. Why are you still pining for a relationship, doing stupid things like hanging around her block, look at the phone every five minutes to see if she texted or called. C'mon, you're not 15 anymore.

If she does not love you, and you have tried to make her and failed, take the rejection and walk. Do you know how much of a pest it makes you, to always clamour for love, time, a relationship, sex, to a girl who doesn't love you but has to put up with you.

Not to mention in the end getting treated like an idiot on a ride.

Things might have worked out in a different time and place. But it isn't anymore. She already hinted you enough: 'I'm not looking for a relationship.'; 'Fine.'; 'I've gone through enough shit for u. Now i'm dealing with this my way - the way that's least painful n burdensome for me and the child'; 'It's better than running off with you right now.'; 'At this moment i need stability and my dignity most.'; 'I don't want you visiting me at my place anymore while he's out.'; 'I'm tired of getting into trouble for u i really am. Please leave me alone.'; 'Make up your mind. I don't like you way you're treating me.'

Why would she ever be with you when you can't give her stability, dignity, out of trouble, or anything at all. You have nothing good for her. Plus, she DOESN'T love you; so there goes the last possible mitigating factor.

So would you please please please really snap out of it before you look any more like a desperado and behave any more like a pest?

You are just pathetic.

Yours sincerely,
Wee Loon

The lesser pain

I saw the look on your face.
That moment of hesitation.
Then another look, one of exasperation and anger.

I don't know which one is more painful.
What I used to do, it brought me deeper and deeper into you.
And cut harder and harder each time you make a different choice.
But at least I could still hold you, kiss you and feel you in my arms.

Now, it's easier to separate what I can and cannot have.
But every time I see you, it hurts so much 'cause I can't touch you.
It hurts even more what I see on your face as I send you back,
And the messages that go 'Fine.'

Which is the lesser pain?

You're an addiction.
Each time I see you, those 2 hours of bliss make me forget all the problems we have.
But each time you leave, the remaining 22 hours are torture, interspersed with doses of sweetness.
As the days go by, I only want to have more of you.
But you refuse me so.

So now I try to cure my addiction.
And it is cutting worse.
Having to treat you coldly 24 hours, is worse.
At least I used to have 2 hours of bliss, and many hours of sweet nothings.
I still pick up the phone ever so often, I think it's become a habit.

I hope it's just the initial cold turkey.
But I don't want to stop being addicted to you.

I just don't know which is the lesser pain.

Another question

25 July, Sunday
Cool morning

It's 6.26 in the morning.
I woke up despite sleeping for only 4 hours.
I woke up from a dream.

It was a dream of an argument.
An argument I had envisioned but never carried out.
Because you would get angry.

You told me you know your limits.
You wouldn't invite him to labour.
Things are sometimes out of your control,
like you so love to say.

What are the possibilities that you are still married to him when you go into labour?
Seems very high at this moment.
Where and what would you be when baby arrives?
You would be at home and he would be around.
He would send you to the hospital.
You might not be able to call me, he definitely won't.

Do you think I would rather have no one around you?
I am not that selfish.
What if something happens and you needed to be knocked out?
And you wake up to have him already registered the birth with the column 'father's particulars' filled in?

So when you told me you know your limits and you know what you're doing,
I sometimes wonder whether you really do.
And no, I don't think you're an idiot
Nor question your ability to think things.
It's just that we're all humans,
Sometimes we just don't see things.

I am here.

I was there to watch you, from the moment you were at Departures.

You asked me why I didn't let you know, you could have come see me.
If you could get away, why did you tell me otherwise the first time when I said I wanted to see you off.
If you couldn't the first time, how was I to know that you could when I finally did come?

I have many a times tried to push for things.
What I always got in return was, "No means no. Don't push it, Loon."
So what I did in the end, was to watch you from afar.
You might have seen me but just not realised that it was me.
I was the hooded guy that hung around.

I saw you walk in.
I saw you check in.
I saw you walk up the escalator to find food.
When I lost you for a while, I combed the whole Terminal 3 wondering where you were having breakfast.
I saw you at Coffee Club.
I saw you walk away.
I saw you go into Immigration.

I didn't want to get you into trouble.
Perhaps I was still bothered by how we ended sour the night before.
You didn't really talk to me throughout the night.
I didn't know if you were still upset.

So I sneaked around, stupidly.
I kept going round, so that you would not see me.
So that he would not see me.
I looked like an idiot.
I felt like an idiot.
I even got the attention of police officers, who thought I was too shady.

I beat myself over it.
I should have just manned up, and told you I was there.
Why didn't I?
I don't know.

In the end, I didn't even get to talk to you much.
I think I think too much.
Next time, I'll just tell you that I am here.

Ring ring

I got a call
And my heart raced off the charts.

"Is it you?" It wondered, in that split second.

I picked up the phone.
It read "Sister".

My heart felt.
From racing too quickly.

"Yeah?" I answered.
As nonchalantly as I could.
Trying to hide every inch of disappointment.

I put down the phone.
Mind wandering again to you.

"What are you doing?" I ask myself.

"What are YOU doing?" I answered back.
"Pick up the damn phone already!" I persisted.

"Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder." It went on. "Out of sight would be out of mind."

"You must be strong. For both of you." The words rang.

I don't know what you've gotten yourself into. Looks pretty psycho to me.

Which is more true?

Version A:

The union of a Taurus and a Sagittarius can spark an incredible bond of passion and mystery for the two lovers. Generally, Taureans are the determined and sensible types who will never give up if they do not have to. Their fortitude in life is to exceed all obstacles and to come out on top. This is often what has earned them the title of “stubborn bulls”. Known to being materialistic, they care deeply for their homes, and for other luxuries, they seek out in life. They feel they have earned this through the hard work and willingness to survive even in the hardest of predicaments. They are however very generous and kind loving. Family and loved ones are very dear to them, and they strive to keep their friends and family very close to them. Taureans can be very loyal and devoted, but if pushed too far, they are hardly lenient and that is when the bullheadedness can kick in. The dust will rise if you anger a Taurus, as they are very irritable and should not be provoked. These individuals are diligent in their hunger for success and firm in their desires to build solid foundations with those they include around them.

Sagittarians on the other hand are free spirited wanderers, independent and stylish. They do not desire the restraints of another’s needs or wants and prefer to expand their horizons. Their open-mindedness invites those of similar attitudes to pick their brains. They are full of philosophical truths and long to gain more of those same truths from others that have want to enlighten them. They place high value on knowledge and at times can seem haughty and far too sure of themselves, leading them to have to put their foot in their mouths when they open it too wide during conversations. They do not think before they speak. They have no real wish to do so, for what is on their mind is what they want to say, and they feel there is no reason to restrain them.

Whatever a Sagittarian likes to do, they do with the utmost grandeur of style. Searching for the good stuff in life, they seek out the best of the best, and this is where the Taureans and Sagittarians will come to agreement, that they both have the ambition to get what they want. These flights of fancy keep the Sagittarian open with their options of love and relationships, choosing to remain a mystery and allow those willing to challenge them to cross their paths. They are enthusiastic and always eager for adventure wherever it may be.

Together these two signs will see things in their own light. Taurus will be the more relaxed of the two, which will often bother the restless nature of the Sagittarian. Sagittarians will not stand for complacency and will provoke the bull to graze in other pastures and explore the world, utilizing that ambitious nature, but more than likely for the Sagittarians purposes alone. Taurus will be a worthy companion for the Sagittarius, but the Sagittarius will not admit her or his neediness for a stable base for a relationship. He or she will try to stir things up which will agitate the Taurus, and the bull might sharpen his or her horns when this happens. In the first stages of the companionship, Taurus will long for a more committed relationship, and this might scare the Sagittarius away, but through the Taurean’s patience, they both will come to appreciate one another more.

The thing to keep in mind here is that the planet Venus rules the Taurus, which is the matron of love and beauty. Jupiter, the great teacher of the zodiac and philosopher, rules the Sagittarius. Together these two will work together to sustain one another through beauty and intellect. The masculine and feminine energies that flow between these two will cause them to admire one another and finally convince them of their common bond. So, grab the bull by the horns and let love take flight.

Version B:

Taurus and Sagittarius have contrasting qualities, which will work against the compatibility of the couple. The two believe in different philosophies of life and hence, face major problems in their relationship. While the Taurus is a settled being, who prefers to stay at one place only, the Sagittarius is flighty and restless by nature and loves to travel to far-away places. Another point of difference between the two is that former likes to stick to his rules and principles, something which is totally alien for the wandering Archer.

The controlling nature of the Bull is also not likely to go well with the Sagittarian. The bluntness as well as the lashing tongue of the latter would definitely hurt the sensitive Bull. On the monetary front also, the two individuals differ. While the Taurean is cautious and spends money wisely, the Archer would gamble away even the last penny happily. In one line - Taurus is steady, disciplined, and home loving, while Sagittarius needs change, variety, and adventure. Opposing natures and characteristics do not allow them to have a compatible love match.

Taurus Man & Sagittarius Woman
The coming together of a Taurus man and a Sagittarius woman is likely to result in lots of problems and would require compromise and adjustment from both the ends. The craving for power in the Taurean man would interfere with the independent nature of the Sagittarian female. The Bull lives life by the rules, which are very difficult for the Archer to follow. His stubbornness and rigidity will add fuel to the fire. Her flighty nature would also bring out the jealousy and possessiveness in the Taurean male. For the duo to have a long-lasting relationship, they will need to work a lot on their weakness.

Misses and Kisses

It's crazy,
How someone can miss another person so much.

Every waking hour, no matter what I am doing, you are in my mind.
Literally, it's every minute and every day.

I bring my phone with me,
Everywhere I go.
Checking it every so often,
Just to see if you texted or called.

At this point, it's been almost 24 hours since I last saw, heard from you.
Something is keeping me from calling you.
Same thing that's hoping that you would call me.

Nothing, zilch, zero.
What are you doing?

New attraction - Rollercoaster

It's been a rollercoaster of a month.

A month that flew by faster than the blinking of an eye.
A month when work was supposed to be done in leisurely fashion is left to be completed in a matter of hours.

More so, a month when emotions take a rollercoaster ride with more twists and turns than an Agatha Christie novel.

It's a month of love, of doubts, of fights, of jealousy, of many things rolled into one.

I am depressed.
I am lost.

Of the seven sins, I think I am consumed by all.

Incoherence

Words are cheap,
Actions are the results of circumstances.
What then, in this world is real?

When both words and actions have failed,
What can be depended on?

The path is such and the time cannot be reversed.
What is unknown will forever be unknown.
There comes the crossroad;
Thinking about the what if, and letting it affected the is.
Which path do we take?

Making the best out of the now?
Or thinking about whether the now wouldn't have existed?

Falsehood and randomness, reality and intent.
The line is so thin.

Maybe, just maybe, it's true.
The now is the result of circumstances.
What is important: is it real?

Such are the things that are blessings in disguise.
Totally unplanned and unintended.
Yet they couldn't be anything better.

Sacrifices have been made.
Shit has happened.
Opportunity costs are great.
At the end of the day, would it have been done differently?

I don't know.
The answer to that question now skews so violently to yes,
That it frightens me.

I thought at least what I have now is real.
It may have come differently but it is here.
It is what I work towards but I feel like Sispyhus.

Every time I push the boulder up to the top and feel like I have succeeded,
It rolls down the other slope and I have to do it all over again.
I reach and I reach and I hit a brick wall.

I cannot pull and I cannot push.
I pull and I am afraid you might think that I don't want to be in this.
I push and I am afraid I might push too hard and push you away.

I have doubts but I cannot say.
It would only add on to whatever doubts you have and make things worse.

I have demands that I cannot make.
It pushes you over the edge and you are trying so hard to keep it together.

Sometimes it just feels like you are not even in this.
You feel like we are in this because we have no choice.
I feel like you are not even in this.
But I could never know.
Because it would be too hard for you.

So I could only try and try,
work and work.
spoil and spoil.
Because it feels like if I even let up a little,
I would lose you.

And no, I don't care if you are pregnant.
It isn't able the pregnancy.