Moderator

Moderator, moderator, go away

Come again another day.

How about never?

He is coming, on Wednesday.

He phoned in last week.

Sounded benign enough.

Couldn't hold back the curiosity.

Googled for him on nieportal.

Looks benign enough.

Associate Prof Seow

Research interest:

English verb complementation
The teaching of writing in secondary schools
Curriculum development, Implementation and Evaluation
Computer-Assisted Assessment (CAA)

Hope he's not too hard to impress.

Welfare Tourism

I came across a new term this week, welfare tourism. I got it from an article in a local English paper. For fear of defamation charges, I will refrain from calling it a tabloid.

In it, it spoke of welfare tourism, which is something people from rich countries do to make their lives meaningful, and supposedly brings desperately needed help to people in poorer countries like places in Africa.

More information can be found in the Saturday issue.

The point is, to question ourselves, of our aims and objectives when we extend a helping hand. Who are we doing it for? Are there truly altruistic sacrifices for people we've never seen or heard of? Or are these community projects for the simple selfish reason of self-glorification and part of our ego- and resume-building exercise? Or is it something even simpler like the confirmation of our existence.

If it is the latter, should we then not engage in such activities? Or does the result justify the intention?

In the end, intention, means and end, which one is the guiding principle?

Calm

I feel a sense of peace.

Peace that hasn't been felt in a while.
But I also sense turbulence.
For under the cloak of calm,
there is trouble brewing.

Serenity, in my case, begets complacency.
Complacency begets inaction
Inaction begets crashing deadlines
Deadlines beget stress
Stress breaks calmness.

In the end, peace is its own undoing.

Saturday morning

I wanted to take a nap last night, before dinner. In the end the nap turned into a a long sleep and I woke up this morning after 14 hours.

Sorry guys I missed both parties, one at Zouk and one at BG. I hope you guys had fun.

I guess the week had gone past with too little sleep. I wasn't particularly tired but it just felt so good sleeping on and on. It was such a nice undisturbed sleep except for a message in between and a short dream of littleboy, though I can't remember what happened in the dream.

This morning I woke up with a strange sense of peace. This Saturday morning just feels so tranquil and beautiful. I went to the kitchen to grab a puff, standing at the window looking out, I heard nothing but the chirping of birds. I looked up at the cloudy sky and saw rays of light gradually coming through the ceiling of clouds.

Everything just seemed so right.

Self-improvement

In terms of self-improvement, I have been very active.

One look at my milestones show that I have been learning or doing something new almost every year since I finished high school. This year I got certified as a diver and a lifeguard. I also completed a half-marathon.

Such fulfilling life and I feel empty. So many skills but I'm doing something I'm not good at and getting into the deep end while doing it. Why don't I just grab a job that I am good at. Wait, what's that?

I have no real interest in anything. As a result I do everything. And I end up not being really good at anything. Well, that's to be expected since passion drives perfection. Lack of it means mediocrity.

There. Another day of self-loath and defeatism. As I write this entry I feel disgusted. I need to knock myself out of it. Maybe I can combine all my posts and publish a Singaporean male version of Bridget Jones' diary, though I never really got down to reading it. I was last at chapter one, I think.

What would be an alternate career choice? Is there a box for sloth?

Cloudy days

With the stupide moderation hanging over my head, every night and day has been a cloudy one.

At night, as I sit here planning lessons for the next day, I keep worrying that it's not good enough and I am going to screw up big time.

In the day, as I sit in the staff workroom with a good view of the school gate and general office, I keep looking up if there's any moderator-looking person walking towards me.

I think heaven is reflecting my mood as the nights and early mornings continue to smell of storm while it clears up in the afternoon after the teaching day is over. I have never wanted more to take an MC, except the past few weeks of course.

Then, it was because I was almost getting a moderator. Every night was spent thinking of getting into the good books of my bosses so that they wouldn't call one in. This week, it was because the moderator has been called in and I dread seeing him/ her in person.

What kind of person would it be? Strict? Kind? Someone I know, perhaps. How I wish. Maybe a bluff, likely a surprise visit.

I have been advised to put up a good show for the moderator; I do not want to, though I have to. It's such a lie. I don't like to pretend. My students are going to find it weird and so will I. How I wish I could just show them how I normally teach. If it's not good enough for the students, then maybe I really shouldn't be a teacher.

Passing the moderation with a show means to me, most of the time we are short-changing the students. Because if we are only good and effective teachers in a show, and we don't usually put on a show, then most of the time we are not really helping, no?

But I was told that even seasoned teachers cannot have a fantastic show all the time. Once in a blue moon we spice things up but usually it's the boring stuff; doesn't mean that we shouldn't spice things up when we can. Then have the moderator come in and see one of the boring shows. I have spiced things up enough for the CTs.

Why can't I just let the moderator see the usual stuff? Give the moderator a chance to help you. Show the extra effort to make it good so that there is some basis of defence, you say? Then fucking tell me when you are coming! I cannot spend the next two weeks coming up with ten fantastic shows in anticipation of your freaking arrival, Your Highness.

In addition to that, my time is ending for practicum. I have a ton of papers that I wish to go through with the students so that they know their mistakes and can actually learn from it. I cannot spend every night thinking of marvellous lessons and carrying out those lessons wishing that the moderator will step in that day.

Somebody's gotta carry out the shit part of boring old lessons going through assignments.

Please don't come - SURPRISE

I have yet to receive news on my moderation.

My friend suggested that it might be a bluff. Though the chances are low, I do sincerely hope that it is. But I expect the other extreme. It would be a surprise visit.

There are signs.
1) If it was a bluff, my sup did not have to ask me to resend my timetable. I wouldn't know that she has lost it.
2) I have been instructed to do a very good lesson for my HOD for the CPA lesson. They have specifically instructed that it needs to be good. In a way, that could be the lesson that the moderator is coming for. In addition, my supervisor didn't observe my CPA lesson. Since I have been having trouble with the EL dept, the CPA class could be my saving grace.
3) Assuming that the moderator is coming, the fact that I have received no news spells S-U-R-P-R-I-S-E all over it.
4) When I asked my sup when the moderator is coming, so that I could submit my lesson plans beforehand, she said, 'I'll let you know, anyway you should have the lesson plans ready right?' She continued, 'If they ask for it, you can just hand it over.'

IT HAS TO BE, YOU CHEEKY BASTARD. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO CALL IN THE MODERATOR? I KNOW I SUCK. BUT REALLY? THAT BAD? DAMN IT!

Blog

This is an add-on later. I thought I only spent 10 minutes, I blogged for an hour. Like how can time pass so fast! Like, what the hell.....

This is another of those incoherent and ranting blogs, that I have churned out in the past 10 minutes or so. Don't read it.
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I started this blog some years ago, hoping to share my life with my friends.

Then I started hoping that someone out there, preferably a stranger, or strangers, would read it. I hope that more so than my friends. Why? Because I am an attention seeker who can't handle the attention. What better way than to have a bunch of strangers give it to you since you are never ever going to see them.

But I would still like my friends to read SOME of the posts. It's a good way to keep each other updated on our lives since we can't always see each other. But in truth, only so many people read this blog. Still, you are important enough for me to keep it.

Then, there's the other problem. There are some things that I want to say that I sometimes find difficult to tell my friends to their face. But if I write it here, I kind of hope that they won't read it. Why? Because seriously, over the blog? What ever happened to courtesy, in the face and sincerity?

But, it's difficult. I may be 26, but I am very much just an over-grown adolescent. Not something that makes me mightily attractive, I know. More like loser with a capital L.

In addition, some things are better left unsaid. More than once, in fact many times, I have said too much. But I don't like to hold it in. But I cannot let it out. Honesty is the best policy, in case you don't know, that's motto number 4. But, as I grow up, I realised that that is applicable only in an alternative realm called my mind. In reality, honesty will get me into trouble. If it doesn't, it will still spoil a lot of things.

But you see, I am still an adolescent, so I tend to screw up a lot. So I tend to shoot my mouth off too, figuratively if not literally, like right here. I have no idea which of these posts will work against me, but I don't really want to take them down, even when I have thought of what might happen.

There, I've said it. I am a glutton for shit to happen. I just silently hope that they will have the desired effect of setting me free and setting things straight, positively.

Post-script: Like you know how employers are really good at looking up their employees' posts and how many teachers have gotten into trouble over blogs? I don't think I have written anything truly incriminating but you know, things are subjective. I might get hauled off to some tribunal right tomorrow.

Still I choose to ramble on and on. Like isn't this 'asking for it?' Get what I mean?

Post postscript: You read it.

Posts

I'm doing quite a bit of free writing, so they are not always coherent. Don't read if you can help it. But of course, any normal person would continue reading after seeing this line. We are cheap bastards.

It's nothing much except a pathetic little bit of my life. I am pathetic and I know it. So don't read the post or you'll change your views about me.

Why am I still posting it if I didn't really want to let you see it? You know, it's one of those 'I want you to know, or maybe, I don't' kind of thing.

So come on, let me hear you say it.WHATEVER.

O.K. Just so we are clear, the 'you' above is generic, the 'you' below is not. They are DIFFERENT.
-----------------------------------------

I love your posts.

You always find these amazing pictures that goes along so well. Pictures speak a thousand words they say. I tried looking for pictures that goes with my blogs too. They never turned out so well. FYI, I searched on Yahoo! and Google image. Did you take the pictures yourself, or are you just a better searcher than me?

I don't always get your posts. I am so out of your life, that I have no idea what you are talking about, who you are talking sometimes. I wish I know more. It's been three, four years since we've met. More than half the time I disappeared. I guess it's all my fault.

Plus, I am quite sure I screwed up big time. So big that I didn't think anything is possible anymore. But I still like you. And I am holding on to this remote idea that I have no idea where I found it, that I might still have a chance. So, everyday I would log on to the Internet and take a look at your blog, just to know how you are doing. I would sometimes look at your facebook to see what you've been up to. No worries, I am no stalker. It just comes with liking you.

I would text you sometimes and hope you would reply. Sometimes, after I text you I would look at the phone just to see if you've replied. The replies come only half the time. Then comes the part where I wonder if you are just busy, or you are thinking, 'this dude's not worth my time.'

But you see, I cannot ask you. Or maybe I should. But I never believed in people being obligated to reply texts. I don't sometimes. Plus, it's not as if we've got something on. So far, everything's only been a figment of my imagination. It would be too pushy, not to say freaky, even I would think so, if I send texts asking you why you didn't reply the last text.

Of course, I never really said anything. Except that one fateful night 4 years ago. You might not remember, though I always think girls remember everything. Plus there are things I would like to forget too.

So like I said, everything is a figment of my imagination and I imagined too much.

Moderation

Somewhere along the writing of this entry, I lost track of what I wanted to say. It's incoherent and inconclusive, and basically just ranting.

But, I didn't want to delete it. I think I'll get some 'awww...', 'are you ok?', 'jiayou', yada yada yada...

I'm just attracting attention. I am an attention seeker that cannot stand the attention.
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Moderation is kind of my guiding principle in life; not too much, not too little, just nice and everything will be great.

In fact, I think I am a little too moderate, in all areas of my life.

In many areas where people strive and do their best, I hobble along, happy with blending into the masses. But I also kept up the pace, so I was never the one to be singled out for poor performance.

It's a trait that I reproach myself for sometimes, whenever I feel that I may be able to achieve more, or when I see others, sometimes friends, who are not content with what fate deals them and who fights to enjoy every moment, however difficult. However, I turn around and find myself doing it over and over. Such is the uselessness that I feel, content to remain quiet and hunched, as long as life moves along without any problem.

I never make enemies, nor do I truly fight. If there's a way to let it dissolve away, just let it be.

When it comes to making things happen, I never truly for things that I want to. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

If you are blinded by my acts, you'd think that I have been enlightened beyond my years, almost to a state of Zenly existence. In truth, fear, laziness, indifference, weakness are more suitable adjectives. I believe most people are able to see through it, I am only fool others for so long. But, I managed to fool myself quite often.

So that's my motto, moderation. Do what is enough, but not too much. Too much of everything is not good.

But now moderation has come back to haunt me. I never wished to avoid the word as I do now. Doing enough, has become insufficient. As my other has come back to haunt me together; everything is subjective. My enough and others' enough are not the same. So in fact, acting moderately has caused me to fail badly.

I will be moderated. Me, who epitomises moderation, has to be moderated. What irony. In addition, apparently two's not enough company. My other motto has decided to join in the fun, seeing how the other two is having so much fun.

Self-pity is intolerable. I have a pretty good listening ear. Many people, some friends, some acquaintances, like to pour out their troubles to me; and I like to listen. It's the little I can do. But there is a difference between getting it out, sorting it out, moving on and making it better, and incessant complaints, blaming the world, resigning to fate, self-defeatist behaviour. If I hear any more of those, I'd kill myself, or at least that is what I sometimes think when people pour out their troubles in the latter manner.

Recently, I sometimes find myself thinking that way. Yes, three's a crowd and I think the last one really shouldn't come along. I mean, Being too moderate and failing, I can deal with. It's possibly a blessing in disguise. I might, finally after 26 years, kick-start my engine and take the world. Subjectivity, I can deal with. As long as I stop being moderate and try my very best, too bad for whoever expects better. I can only please so many people, myself included.

But really, the last one? When number three comes along, the world stands still. What's the point? Fuck it! I don't want to do this anymore! I should just kill myself and save all the trouble. It makes everything and anything difficult. I just want to sleep it away.

I think I'm depressed. I just read about male midlife crisis and depression in Reader's Digest. Wait, I'm only at quarter-life.

Stress

I usually delete chain mails; but this one, I kept.

A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience,

Raised a glass of water and asked
'How heavy is this glass of water?'

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long you try to hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.'

He continued,
'And that's the way it is with stress management.
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,
As the burden becomes increasingly heavy,
We won't be able to carry on. '

'As with the glass of water,
You have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.
When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.'
'So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.

Whatever burdens you're carrying now,
Let them down for a moment if you can.'
So, my friend, Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
And some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet,
Just in case you have to eat them.

* Drive carefully.. It's not only cars that can be
"Recalled" by their maker....

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
It was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
Because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well..
Just get up and dance.

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way,
You're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you.
The more you have, the longer you live..

* You may be only one person in the world,
But you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today... I did .

Army Half-Marathon

I ran the AHM today and I did it in about three hours.

An average timing for an average runner. I came back with aches all over and a headache.

I did well, I guess, for someone who almost didn't train at all. I had wanted to finish it without walking at all but I was too tired to do that. I only slept 3 hours the night before.

I almost didn't go this morning. Going for the run had many repercussions; I needed the rest and time for work. It also meant I was pretty exhausted afterwards. I am supposed to be putting my work as priority, given that it is not going very well for me now.

The positives was the much-needed workout and a new medal of completion. If only I was good enough to be a full-time runner, or athlete of some sort, it would probably be way better than what I am doing now.

End

This is not working.

More than once each day, I think about quitting, when I can possibly find the money to pay the liquidated damages, how this is not what I want to do, how bad I am at this teaching job.

I have problems coming up with what to teach and how to teach. I get headaches and I haven't slept properly for a long time.

Why did I get myself into this predicament of no return.

And all this while, I should be focusing on churning out the work. All these distractions are not helping and it just ends up in a vicious cycle.

Even if I somehow manage to scrape through these 10 weeks, there's still 3 years to go.

I want to sleep. And never wake up again. The end is nowhere near.

The Pledge

We, the citizens of Singapore,
Pledge ourselves as one united people.
Regardless of race, language or religion,
To build a democratic society,
Based on justice and equality.
So as to achieve happiness, prosperity
And progress for our nation.

我們是新家坡公民。
誓願不分種族、言語、宗教，
團結一致，建設公政、平等的民主社會。
并為實現國家之幸福、繁榮与進步，
共同努力。

It's ending

Week 6 is over.
I'm more than halfway there.
Hang in there.

Happy Birthday, Singapore

44 years, Our country is middle-age. I wish to wish it 'Happy Birthday'.

It's a day worth celebrating, because it marks the day that we became independent. However, I didn't always feel this way. It was important to me because it was a holiday. That was it.

It's the same now for the students. To them, according to my observations, National Day means nothing more than daily droning of songs over the PA system, pointless and time-wasting activities like Recollection, and making red and white paper hearts.

Like it was to me, National Day means nothing than an additional day of holiday.