There are many complications.
But there are many solutions.
Some of them are not the best.
But they work.
What's stopping them?
You are.
You are the one making all the decisions now.
I know the circumstances are such.
But there are ways out.
You refuse to take them.
You are sick and I can't do anything.
I can do many things.
I can come over and take care of you.
I can bring you to the doctor.
You don't let me.
I can go against your objections.
And you will hate me more.
You are not stuck.
You don't want to budge.
There is always an excuse.
But if you really want to.
Nobody can stop you.
You are so headstrong in everything.
Including plunging deeper into depression.
Grounding yourself more and more.
Nobody will ever be able to pull you out.
When you don't let him.
It's not that I can't do anything.
You won't let me.
You keep saying things are bad and getting worse.
If staying still is getting worse.
Take the step and go.
But, no.
You refuse to.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Conflict
I would like to apologise, for repeatingly asking for that little hug and that little kiss.
I sometimes forget, and I yearn for that intimacy. I know you are suffering from a lot of discomfort, hence the apology. It's just one of those little things that I love. You don't have to sleep with me, intimacy can be simple, but even that is not possible.
I realised that this blog is getting more and more schizophrenic. One minute the posts are all accepting and understanding, the next they are angry and frustrated.
It is just how things are. On my good days, I understand what is going on. I see the possibilities and the impossibilities. I accept my mistakes and bear the consequences. I take in what cannot be controlled and wished for and let things go.
On some days, it's just bad. I yearn for you so much, frustration takes hold. Jealousy fills the mind and imagination runs wild. Desires take over and fear takes hold.
The future is so bleak in outlook. Doubts and questions keeps popping up. Stalemate in the situation is simply exasperating.
It seems like I have so much to lose. Yet at the same time, what I have to lose is not mine to begin with.
I sometimes forget, and I yearn for that intimacy. I know you are suffering from a lot of discomfort, hence the apology. It's just one of those little things that I love. You don't have to sleep with me, intimacy can be simple, but even that is not possible.
I realised that this blog is getting more and more schizophrenic. One minute the posts are all accepting and understanding, the next they are angry and frustrated.
It is just how things are. On my good days, I understand what is going on. I see the possibilities and the impossibilities. I accept my mistakes and bear the consequences. I take in what cannot be controlled and wished for and let things go.
On some days, it's just bad. I yearn for you so much, frustration takes hold. Jealousy fills the mind and imagination runs wild. Desires take over and fear takes hold.
The future is so bleak in outlook. Doubts and questions keeps popping up. Stalemate in the situation is simply exasperating.
It seems like I have so much to lose. Yet at the same time, what I have to lose is not mine to begin with.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Today was a good day
Today was a good day.
I still didn't get to see baby
I doubt I ever will
Even though you said 'Yes u will'.
It doesn't change the fact that you wrote 'Mirza Anuar' in the husband column
And I look nothing like a 'Mirza', thankfully.
And you do not to have more talking points.
It didn't help that he sent you to the clinic.
Invading that one last area where his mark had not been left.
And you're probably going show him baby's photos when you get back.
And be all nice and happy, like he's yours, instead of ours.
But...
You showed up.
All pretty and made up.
Because we were going out.
So easily pleased I am.
We were finally going out.
No excuses, no rain checks.
Even if it's because you were already out.
Some words were exchanged.
But no serious arguments.
It seems I might have found something that could work.
When I make comments and remarks that upset you.
Stop talking, cool down.
Something so simple.
You were constantly uncomfortable.
Sorry I couldn't do much about that.
But other than that, I felt we had a good day.
It might be boring for you.
We only shopped and had lunch.
But it was still a good day for me.
I still didn't get to see baby
I doubt I ever will
Even though you said 'Yes u will'.
It doesn't change the fact that you wrote 'Mirza Anuar' in the husband column
And I look nothing like a 'Mirza', thankfully.
And you do not to have more talking points.
It didn't help that he sent you to the clinic.
Invading that one last area where his mark had not been left.
And you're probably going show him baby's photos when you get back.
And be all nice and happy, like he's yours, instead of ours.
But...
You showed up.
All pretty and made up.
Because we were going out.
So easily pleased I am.
We were finally going out.
No excuses, no rain checks.
Even if it's because you were already out.
Some words were exchanged.
But no serious arguments.
It seems I might have found something that could work.
When I make comments and remarks that upset you.
Stop talking, cool down.
Something so simple.
You were constantly uncomfortable.
Sorry I couldn't do much about that.
But other than that, I felt we had a good day.
It might be boring for you.
We only shopped and had lunch.
But it was still a good day for me.
One day the heart will die
This all started with your trip today.
I hate it, but too bad I don't have a car.
It's not a date you say.
Well, I don't care.
The fact is you were with him the whole day.
With me, there's always an excuse.
To go out, it's too uncomfortable.
To come over, it's too far.
To sit down outside, your back hurts.
But you can go out for hours on your own.
You can go to Melaka for the whole day.
you can withstand anything, as long as it's not with me.
You get driven up the wall everyday,
but hey, not driven enough apparently since you can still refuse to get out.
I am unhappy, angry, frustrated.
But I can't do shit or say shit.
Because I have destroyed your life.
I get so saddened that I just want to leave.
I want to let things go.
But I can't.
Cause you would just say 'yes'.
It's like you know you have me eating out of your hand.
You know I won't.
I may act out a little but I would come crawling back.
It's simply because you don't care about me as much as I care about you.
Yea I changed things for you.
Yea your life will never be the same because of shit I've done.
But I also give you the way out.
You just refuse to take it.
Your dignity's gone and you get dirt.
Well my life ain't a bed of roses.
I too have my dignity.
Being at your beck and call ain't very dignified.
Acting like a thief ain't very dignified.
Being blamed for every fuck shit ain't very dignified.
It's like you said, 'You don't know what the anger's about'
Well neither do I.
I'm not even sure what it's about now.
I'm so confused.
But I don't like the way things are going, that much I know.
I tried to do something about it but it didn't work.
Now I put up with it.
But my patience has a limit.
When it hits, sorry if I turn and walk.
I love you and I want to be with you.
Too bad, we don't share the same view.
I try to make things better.
Sorry it ain't good enough for you.
But there's only so much I can do.
And I am sick of the excuses you give me.
I am ready to be here for you, for the baby,
for your dreams, for your life.
But if that's not what you want,
it's your loss.
I ain't gonna sit around, watching you 'be cordial'.
I've said this too many times, even I'm sick of hearing it.
It's between me or nothing?
Looks like you've chosen nothing, cause you sure didn't pick me.
I hate it, but too bad I don't have a car.
It's not a date you say.
Well, I don't care.
The fact is you were with him the whole day.
With me, there's always an excuse.
To go out, it's too uncomfortable.
To come over, it's too far.
To sit down outside, your back hurts.
But you can go out for hours on your own.
You can go to Melaka for the whole day.
you can withstand anything, as long as it's not with me.
You get driven up the wall everyday,
but hey, not driven enough apparently since you can still refuse to get out.
I am unhappy, angry, frustrated.
But I can't do shit or say shit.
Because I have destroyed your life.
I get so saddened that I just want to leave.
I want to let things go.
But I can't.
Cause you would just say 'yes'.
It's like you know you have me eating out of your hand.
You know I won't.
I may act out a little but I would come crawling back.
It's simply because you don't care about me as much as I care about you.
Yea I changed things for you.
Yea your life will never be the same because of shit I've done.
But I also give you the way out.
You just refuse to take it.
Your dignity's gone and you get dirt.
Well my life ain't a bed of roses.
I too have my dignity.
Being at your beck and call ain't very dignified.
Acting like a thief ain't very dignified.
Being blamed for every fuck shit ain't very dignified.
It's like you said, 'You don't know what the anger's about'
Well neither do I.
I'm not even sure what it's about now.
I'm so confused.
But I don't like the way things are going, that much I know.
I tried to do something about it but it didn't work.
Now I put up with it.
But my patience has a limit.
When it hits, sorry if I turn and walk.
I love you and I want to be with you.
Too bad, we don't share the same view.
I try to make things better.
Sorry it ain't good enough for you.
But there's only so much I can do.
And I am sick of the excuses you give me.
I am ready to be here for you, for the baby,
for your dreams, for your life.
But if that's not what you want,
it's your loss.
I ain't gonna sit around, watching you 'be cordial'.
I've said this too many times, even I'm sick of hearing it.
It's between me or nothing?
Looks like you've chosen nothing, cause you sure didn't pick me.
Monday, August 09, 2010
Letter to father
You'll need to break to dad at some point; so I think we should start drafting the speech. We are special, we are able to see things from people's point and accept who they are. Father might be able to take this as well as we are so we need to break this to him nicely and not give the old man a heart attack.
This will have to do till we can think of something better.
Dear Father,
You know that grandson I told you you are going to have? Can you, you know, kind of forget about that?
The thing is, you see, when I slept with his mother, she was still married. She was going to get a divorce but me getting her knocked up kind of destroyed her plans. She is still going through with it but it might take a little longer than it was originally planned.
I could have brought her out and give her another place to stay and raise the child but you know, I am poor, like you. I can't give her a nice big place nor ferry her around in a car so that's not really helping things. I can't even let her complete her studies without worries.
Then there's the other thing. I know that everybody wants to invite her into the family and all but it's kind of a two way situation? She doesn't really want to join us? She's had some really bad experiences with families and I don't think she wants to be out of the fire and go right into a frying pan, a totally different Chinese one for that matter.
I told her she doesn't have to and she can be left alone and we can even leave here. I thank you father, for not objecting at all about me possibly running off to some faraway land, but you see, there's a third thing. She kind of hates me now really, for getting her pregnant. Whatever I say now is nonsense and whatever I do is wrong, so I don't think she would even want to stay with me, in all sense of the word?
So, with her remaining married for the stability and dignity, and her not wanting to be with me even if she's not married anymore, and her perceived incompatibility with families, and lastly her association of me with all things negative, it is highly unlikely that you will have your grandson after he's born.
Sorry dad.
Yours regretfully,
Wee Loon
This will have to do till we can think of something better.
Dear Father,
You know that grandson I told you you are going to have? Can you, you know, kind of forget about that?
The thing is, you see, when I slept with his mother, she was still married. She was going to get a divorce but me getting her knocked up kind of destroyed her plans. She is still going through with it but it might take a little longer than it was originally planned.
I could have brought her out and give her another place to stay and raise the child but you know, I am poor, like you. I can't give her a nice big place nor ferry her around in a car so that's not really helping things. I can't even let her complete her studies without worries.
Then there's the other thing. I know that everybody wants to invite her into the family and all but it's kind of a two way situation? She doesn't really want to join us? She's had some really bad experiences with families and I don't think she wants to be out of the fire and go right into a frying pan, a totally different Chinese one for that matter.
I told her she doesn't have to and she can be left alone and we can even leave here. I thank you father, for not objecting at all about me possibly running off to some faraway land, but you see, there's a third thing. She kind of hates me now really, for getting her pregnant. Whatever I say now is nonsense and whatever I do is wrong, so I don't think she would even want to stay with me, in all sense of the word?
So, with her remaining married for the stability and dignity, and her not wanting to be with me even if she's not married anymore, and her perceived incompatibility with families, and lastly her association of me with all things negative, it is highly unlikely that you will have your grandson after he's born.
Sorry dad.
Yours regretfully,
Wee Loon
Change
Dear Wee Loon,
You know what your problem is? Your problem is you're a wuss.
I don't know what happened to you but you didn't use to be like this. Somewhere down the road, maybe you read one too many sob story or watched one too many chick flicks. Or maybe you just met the wrong kind of girls, but you've gotten soft.
Now you're just like a girl trapped in a man's body; all sensitive and touchy-feely.
Maybe that's what she was talking about - that's your character flaw. Sob sob sob yah-dah yah-dah yah-dah blah blah blah. All this talk about hurt and pain and whatnots.
One word - Eew.
There's a difference, man, between being the nice guy and showing some TLC, and being a wuss who whines more than a chick.
At the moment, you sound more like the latter. So it's time to man up, or you'll lose all the charm and the chick.
Yours sincerely,
Wee Loon
You know what your problem is? Your problem is you're a wuss.
I don't know what happened to you but you didn't use to be like this. Somewhere down the road, maybe you read one too many sob story or watched one too many chick flicks. Or maybe you just met the wrong kind of girls, but you've gotten soft.
Now you're just like a girl trapped in a man's body; all sensitive and touchy-feely.
Maybe that's what she was talking about - that's your character flaw. Sob sob sob yah-dah yah-dah yah-dah blah blah blah. All this talk about hurt and pain and whatnots.
One word - Eew.
There's a difference, man, between being the nice guy and showing some TLC, and being a wuss who whines more than a chick.
At the moment, you sound more like the latter. So it's time to man up, or you'll lose all the charm and the chick.
Yours sincerely,
Wee Loon
Destruction
What do you do when you completely, utterly, and forever destroyed a person's life?
Firstly, you apologise. But what if apologies do not cut it? 'Sorry' is just a word. It will not make a difference to the person whose life was destroyed. It does not make things better.
Then you try to make things better. But what if there is no making things better? You may try all you want, all you can. But there's no turning the pages of time. What is done has been done. You may think you are making things better, but your better means little, if not nothing, to the affected party.
Then you repent. The saying did go, 'Repent and all will be forgiven.' Try telling that to the person whose life was destroyed. No amount of repentance will change the fact that things will be different, that the life will never be the same again.
You may, and you should, learn from your mistakes, to never repeat it again. While it may make a difference to the next person that comes along, but this one has already been destroyed. No amount of learning will help.
So what can you do? Doing nothing is not an option. Neither is trying your best, because your best will never be enough.
You can only take all the abuse in the world, and do whatever is required of you, even if it cost you your life. And even so, it will still never be good enough.
Even if your own life is in disarray, at least you have yourself to blame. At least you are suffering the consequences of your own stupidity. But what about the other party. An innocent person has to suffer for your mistakes; a suffering that she is not even responsible for.
So save your bullshit and just await your just punishment; You have no right, you have nothing.
And even that, will not bring justice.
Firstly, you apologise. But what if apologies do not cut it? 'Sorry' is just a word. It will not make a difference to the person whose life was destroyed. It does not make things better.
Then you try to make things better. But what if there is no making things better? You may try all you want, all you can. But there's no turning the pages of time. What is done has been done. You may think you are making things better, but your better means little, if not nothing, to the affected party.
Then you repent. The saying did go, 'Repent and all will be forgiven.' Try telling that to the person whose life was destroyed. No amount of repentance will change the fact that things will be different, that the life will never be the same again.
You may, and you should, learn from your mistakes, to never repeat it again. While it may make a difference to the next person that comes along, but this one has already been destroyed. No amount of learning will help.
So what can you do? Doing nothing is not an option. Neither is trying your best, because your best will never be enough.
You can only take all the abuse in the world, and do whatever is required of you, even if it cost you your life. And even so, it will still never be good enough.
Even if your own life is in disarray, at least you have yourself to blame. At least you are suffering the consequences of your own stupidity. But what about the other party. An innocent person has to suffer for your mistakes; a suffering that she is not even responsible for.
So save your bullshit and just await your just punishment; You have no right, you have nothing.
And even that, will not bring justice.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Fatherhood
'It's not up to me, it's up to my bank account.'
I know it's not up to you, because it's even further for me.
I feel like a sperm donor, albeit an unsolicited and very much hated one. Nothing is up to me. Up to this point, I have naming rights, paying rights and visitation rights.
I feel that I don't have a say in anything else about baby. From the way things go, I won't have a say in where baby lives, how baby is brought up. I am not getting ready for baby's birth, I am not buying baby's stuff. I might not even be around to take care of baby.
You said that baby would know who his biological father is. I am afraid that's all that I will be: the biological father.
Being the father is not just being related by blood. But I'm sorry, I am not presentable enough, nor rich enough, nor good enough to decide what's good for baby.
As I make my way home, MJ's song took on a whole new meaning for: 'Billie Jean's not my lover, she's just a girl who said I am the one. The kid is not my son.'
It's not my son, not when I can't say anything.
I know it's not up to you, because it's even further for me.
I feel like a sperm donor, albeit an unsolicited and very much hated one. Nothing is up to me. Up to this point, I have naming rights, paying rights and visitation rights.
I feel that I don't have a say in anything else about baby. From the way things go, I won't have a say in where baby lives, how baby is brought up. I am not getting ready for baby's birth, I am not buying baby's stuff. I might not even be around to take care of baby.
You said that baby would know who his biological father is. I am afraid that's all that I will be: the biological father.
Being the father is not just being related by blood. But I'm sorry, I am not presentable enough, nor rich enough, nor good enough to decide what's good for baby.
As I make my way home, MJ's song took on a whole new meaning for: 'Billie Jean's not my lover, she's just a girl who said I am the one. The kid is not my son.'
It's not my son, not when I can't say anything.
Anger
'But i dunno if the reason y i find it hard to open up to u is bec of the anger or you hell i dn even know if the anger has anything to do with what about u hold me back.'
I don't know what to make of it when I saw this message.
Should I be happy that you are not really angry about me holding you back? Or should I be unhappy because that would at least meant that we would be happy together if I hadn't held you back.
When did you start finding it hard to open up to me? Is it when I was having all these demands about being together? Or was it way back even before you found out that you were pregnant?
But I guess it'll be hard to turn back your thoughts towards me. Now that I am ingrained in your mind to be associated with all that is bad and causing you pain and sadness.
If only I didn't knock you up, you would be able to run away. You would not be stuck in this. You wouldn't be treated badly. Nobody could judge you. You would only be responsible for yourself. Your plans would be intact and in place.
Just because of all these I can understand why you don't want to and cannot open up to me. It may not be about me but it does put you in a place where you are more vulnerable than ever.
And worse, I can't even clean up the mess for you, because I can't give you better. And as the days go by, it seems like you're further and further away from better. If only you were not pregnant, a cheap and small place wouldn't be a problem. If only you weren't pregnant, you wouldn't need to at least be comfortable. If only you weren't pregnant, you wouldn't have to give up all the things you wanted and had for 'a fuckin baby'.
And no, love is not enough to make these things better. We can't survive on love. Those things only happen in the movies.
I don't know what to make of it when I saw this message.
Should I be happy that you are not really angry about me holding you back? Or should I be unhappy because that would at least meant that we would be happy together if I hadn't held you back.
When did you start finding it hard to open up to me? Is it when I was having all these demands about being together? Or was it way back even before you found out that you were pregnant?
But I guess it'll be hard to turn back your thoughts towards me. Now that I am ingrained in your mind to be associated with all that is bad and causing you pain and sadness.
If only I didn't knock you up, you would be able to run away. You would not be stuck in this. You wouldn't be treated badly. Nobody could judge you. You would only be responsible for yourself. Your plans would be intact and in place.
Just because of all these I can understand why you don't want to and cannot open up to me. It may not be about me but it does put you in a place where you are more vulnerable than ever.
And worse, I can't even clean up the mess for you, because I can't give you better. And as the days go by, it seems like you're further and further away from better. If only you were not pregnant, a cheap and small place wouldn't be a problem. If only you weren't pregnant, you wouldn't need to at least be comfortable. If only you weren't pregnant, you wouldn't have to give up all the things you wanted and had for 'a fuckin baby'.
And no, love is not enough to make these things better. We can't survive on love. Those things only happen in the movies.
Sunday, August 01, 2010
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