Letter to self

Dear Wee Loon,

What are you doing?

I think you've watched one too many chick flicks, bro. Well this is not one of them, and hence there will be no fairy tale ending.

Seriously, man. Get a life. First up, stop sitting there waiting for her to be free, waiting for her to want to go out with you, waiting for her to want to spend time with you. Isn't it obvious enough that she doesn't want to? The only reason why she still hangs out with you is to 'keep things cordial', just like what she is doing with him, or so she says.

She has to keep things nice because you're the stupid bastard that knocked her up and made her life more difficult than it already was. At least this way you're be around to pay for your mistakes, in all sense of the word, and she won't be left alone to pick up your mess.

Secondly, you were the stupid bastard, now you're just stupid. This is not the first girl you've loved and definitely not the first one that doesn't love you back. Why are you still pining for a relationship, doing stupid things like hanging around her block, look at the phone every five minutes to see if she texted or called. C'mon, you're not 15 anymore.

If she does not love you, and you have tried to make her and failed, take the rejection and walk. Do you know how much of a pest it makes you, to always clamour for love, time, a relationship, sex, to a girl who doesn't love you but has to put up with you.

Not to mention in the end getting treated like an idiot on a ride.

Things might have worked out in a different time and place. But it isn't anymore. She already hinted you enough: 'I'm not looking for a relationship.'; 'Fine.'; 'I've gone through enough shit for u. Now i'm dealing with this my way - the way that's least painful n burdensome for me and the child'; 'It's better than running off with you right now.'; 'At this moment i need stability and my dignity most.'; 'I don't want you visiting me at my place anymore while he's out.'; 'I'm tired of getting into trouble for u i really am. Please leave me alone.'; 'Make up your mind. I don't like you way you're treating me.'

Why would she ever be with you when you can't give her stability, dignity, out of trouble, or anything at all. You have nothing good for her. Plus, she DOESN'T love you; so there goes the last possible mitigating factor.

So would you please please please really snap out of it before you look any more like a desperado and behave any more like a pest?

You are just pathetic.

Yours sincerely,
Wee Loon

The lesser pain

I saw the look on your face.
That moment of hesitation.
Then another look, one of exasperation and anger.

I don't know which one is more painful.
What I used to do, it brought me deeper and deeper into you.
And cut harder and harder each time you make a different choice.
But at least I could still hold you, kiss you and feel you in my arms.

Now, it's easier to separate what I can and cannot have.
But every time I see you, it hurts so much 'cause I can't touch you.
It hurts even more what I see on your face as I send you back,
And the messages that go 'Fine.'

Which is the lesser pain?

You're an addiction.
Each time I see you, those 2 hours of bliss make me forget all the problems we have.
But each time you leave, the remaining 22 hours are torture, interspersed with doses of sweetness.
As the days go by, I only want to have more of you.
But you refuse me so.

So now I try to cure my addiction.
And it is cutting worse.
Having to treat you coldly 24 hours, is worse.
At least I used to have 2 hours of bliss, and many hours of sweet nothings.
I still pick up the phone ever so often, I think it's become a habit.

I hope it's just the initial cold turkey.
But I don't want to stop being addicted to you.

I just don't know which is the lesser pain.

Another question

25 July, Sunday
Cool morning

It's 6.26 in the morning.
I woke up despite sleeping for only 4 hours.
I woke up from a dream.

It was a dream of an argument.
An argument I had envisioned but never carried out.
Because you would get angry.

You told me you know your limits.
You wouldn't invite him to labour.
Things are sometimes out of your control,
like you so love to say.

What are the possibilities that you are still married to him when you go into labour?
Seems very high at this moment.
Where and what would you be when baby arrives?
You would be at home and he would be around.
He would send you to the hospital.
You might not be able to call me, he definitely won't.

Do you think I would rather have no one around you?
I am not that selfish.
What if something happens and you needed to be knocked out?
And you wake up to have him already registered the birth with the column 'father's particulars' filled in?

So when you told me you know your limits and you know what you're doing,
I sometimes wonder whether you really do.
And no, I don't think you're an idiot
Nor question your ability to think things.
It's just that we're all humans,
Sometimes we just don't see things.

I am here.

I was there to watch you, from the moment you were at Departures.

You asked me why I didn't let you know, you could have come see me.
If you could get away, why did you tell me otherwise the first time when I said I wanted to see you off.
If you couldn't the first time, how was I to know that you could when I finally did come?

I have many a times tried to push for things.
What I always got in return was, "No means no. Don't push it, Loon."
So what I did in the end, was to watch you from afar.
You might have seen me but just not realised that it was me.
I was the hooded guy that hung around.

I saw you walk in.
I saw you check in.
I saw you walk up the escalator to find food.
When I lost you for a while, I combed the whole Terminal 3 wondering where you were having breakfast.
I saw you at Coffee Club.
I saw you walk away.
I saw you go into Immigration.

I didn't want to get you into trouble.
Perhaps I was still bothered by how we ended sour the night before.
You didn't really talk to me throughout the night.
I didn't know if you were still upset.

So I sneaked around, stupidly.
I kept going round, so that you would not see me.
So that he would not see me.
I looked like an idiot.
I felt like an idiot.
I even got the attention of police officers, who thought I was too shady.

I beat myself over it.
I should have just manned up, and told you I was there.
Why didn't I?
I don't know.

In the end, I didn't even get to talk to you much.
I think I think too much.
Next time, I'll just tell you that I am here.